Feeling Weird

Truths to remember when I am feeling weird:

  • Seth wants to go to England with ME, no one else
  • He wants to move in together
  • He randomly will come up to me and hug me from behind, or lay on top of me and hug me, showing affection
  • He is always trying to reassure me
  • He wants to do things with me like strawberry picking, fun stuff
  • Everyone, EVERYONE eventually needs space. You have things you could be doing too such as hanging out with friends, keeping contact with people, spending time with other people or even just enjoying yourself or reading/writing
  • He is honest, if there was a problem, he would SAY so
  • Even if it doesn’t work out, you will still be okay, your life will still be good, you have made it good with or without someone
  • Your “feelings” are not always based in reality. There is nothing real causing it. Everything is fine.

 

Trying to talk myself down from panic, do my deep breathing that my therapist taught me. There is no need for me to get like this just because Seth has been busy and a little stressed with work.

After talking to my therapist, it really helped put a lot of things in perspective. She basically helped me to understand that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and anxious attachment style. This causes me problems in my romantic relationships. I get very attached…and then when I feel even the SLIGHTEST sense or feeling of pulling away, or change in communication, I straight up panic. I pull away, I become cold and distant and like ice. I cry my eyes out, literally in an internal panic.

It’s something I know I need to work on. I am working on it. One of the tips she has given me is to work on my breathing, when I begin to feel myself get emotional, or panicked because of something I perceive as a betrayal or abandonment, I need to stop immediately and consciously focus on my breathing. Basically, my body is going through actual panic, as if a lion has entered the room. Except there is no lion. There is no actual, real outside source for my fear and panic and bad feelings. It is all coming from inside me.

She said the first step I can do is to try and stop the physical response I am having. I can do that by focusing on my breathing and my heart-rate, and take slow, deep breaths to calm myself physically. I actually tried that earlier today when I began to feel panic and have racing thoughts about whether or not I actually want to be with Seth (irrational thoughts based on him being a little bit busy the past couple of days). It did actually work…I took some really deep breaths, focused on breathing and calming myself down and suddenly I could think more clearly and I felt okay again.

The truth is just this: We are still talking every day throughout the day. The only real change is that when I said I needed to go home Sunday night he didn’t try to fight it or suggest that I stay anyway like he usually does…and then he perhaps hasn’t been quite as responsive or interested in the things I have been sharing with him lately, and we have spent two nights now apart without him asking to see me. Really shouldn’t be a big deal.

He has a lot of work stuff going on, basically the video game he has been working on for five years is finally dropping at E3 soon…and interviews are happening, it’s kind of a big deal. He has a lot of pressure on him from his boss because of this and has been somewhat stressed with work. That is perfectly understandable, it’s getting to a new point in his job where it’s going to be a little more stressful.

I have to remind myself that things going on in his life causing his attention to be elsewhere has nothing to do with me or his feelings for me. They are totally different things, and if he did not feel the same about me he would say so, and he wouldn’t keep talking to me. He wouldn’t be planning an entire fucking trip to England with me if he didn’t still like me.

I’ve asked him if he has felt love before for someone, like he was in love with someone. He said yes. I asked if he told the person that he loved them and he said yes he did.

That basically tells me that when he feels that for me, he will tell me that.

I don’t feel like I want to say it first, even though honestly I feel it a lot of the time. Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe I am just really attached, but that isn’t love.

I want him to say it, but I don’t want to say it first. For my own peace of mind, he has to tell me he loves me first. Just looked up an article by Elite and apparently the average time to wait for that is 3-6 months of dating. It’s been about 4 months for us at this point, or at least 4 months since we first met…I guess technically just 2 months since we entered into a sexual romantic relationship. We dated for literally, exactly two months after first meeting before having sex (which I still think was smart). So I guess maybe in his mind we’ve only really been dating for real for two months, not four months. Since we didn’t get to that next step until just two months ago. I guess I can wait another couple of months…but I do think…before we move in together and before we decide to actually move in together, I would like to hear him say it. Maybe he will say it to me while we are in England. Who knows. I guess I shouldn’t worry about it so much. But I do feel like that is the boundary I need to set. If he cannot bring himself to say “I love you” by the time we are ready to move in together, I would honestly see it as a red flag and will probably not want to move in with him after all.

It does kind of suck that I am going to need to figure out my living situation before we go on our trip because I think going on this trip together will give us a good indication and idea of whether or not it’s a good idea to live together. We won’t be able to get time away from one another necessarily, for an entire 11 days, the most time we will have ever spent together nonstop. It will be stressful in plenty of ways. Scary. Tiring.

I think it’s great we are taking a trip like that, not only because it’s a fucking lifelong dream to go to England…and I have always wanted to meet a man to travel with, but also for our relationship it will obviously tell us a lot about each other and what living with one another and dealing with hard situations will be like. I’m really hoping it goes well. I am hopeful and excited, it’s a good thing that we do that.

I just reeeeaaaaly wish my living situation could be figured out AFTER that trip, but it really can’t. I’m not sure what to do about that.

 

Update at 3 fucking AM

Dwelling on shit that is so stupid. He went to a meetup with game developer friends. Which is good, I’m honestly, logically really glad that he is obviously putting in effort to meet other friends who aren’t girls on OkCupid like his friend Liz was. Obviously he needs to make friends and I would rather him have nights where he goes and hangs with some new friends and is happy and gets what he needs in life. I had told him before that I wanted him to be happy and he looked me right in the face and said, “You make me happy.”

I’m not sure why I am feeling so shitty this week, it all really started after he told me Sunday that he had been trying to keep in contact with his ex, to stay friends with her and that she had basically cut him off and basically asked him why the fuck he kept trying to talk to her when they were broken up.

The same fucking question I pretty much have too.

It hurt that he so blatantly was admitting that he had been trying to keep in contact and it was HIM reaching out to her and trying to talk. I’m glad that she shut him down and is not letting that happen or feeding into it because…I really feel like I would have to end things, like just be with her if you can’t let go and want to keep talking to her.

I had told him kind of how it made me feel, that my brain was telling me he would rather just be with her, and he doesn’t like me as much and he told me that was not true, that he thinks I am better and he does want to be with me. I guess I felt reassured in the moment but now that we have been apart for two entire days…I cannot stop dwelling. I can’t stop thinking about when we first started talking, how he started overthinking everything with us and didn’t talk to me for 24 hours that one day until I flat out texted and asked what was going on and he said he was overthinking everything. His hesitance in the beginning.

Even though he has said his doubts are pretty much gone now…it still hurts. It still makes me scared. It also makes me question my own feelings.

I myself even have moments where I miss Mike…I miss the relationship me and him had which was so different from what I have with Seth. I can imagine he feels that about his ex sometimes too. With Mike, we were always laughing, we understood each other so well, because we had known each other for so much longer, and maybe Mike is just a lot easier to get close to because he is a feeling person, and so overly affectionate. I miss how funny Mike was, how lighthearted our times were together, how excited and expressive he would get…how affectionate. I think humor and emotions is something missing in this relationship sometimes and it kind of sucks, on top of the stuff with his ex and me feeling like, what the fuck made this bitch so great? Seriously? Like I can’t imagine anyone being able to pull any kind of emotion out of this guy so why is he so attached to her? Because she had a fucking kid with someone else? Like dude…wtf? But then here I am missing Mike because I wish I had the humor back that I had in my last relationship, and I feel in some ways like Seth doesn’t and maybe won’t ever truly understand me.

I know that he makes decisions based on thinking and logic, not on emotion. So that’s obviously where his hesitation and doubt came from, and I logically can understand that after getting out of a breakup that was obviously extremely painful for him, going from living with this woman and her daughter, being a family with them, obviously losing that was painful, and it would make him and any man probably very scared to enter into something else where they could just be hurt again, or it end up not being right. It seems like he is really hoping for something long-term, and doesn’t want to enter into a relationship that is just going to end after a couple years like this last situation did.

I don’t want that either. So obviously it’s scary. There is something inside me that keeps saying, “Just leave. You are not getting what you want here, you are feeling shitty, this is not good.” but then I remember my therapist telling me that my feelings are based in fear, and panic. I know my feelings are being caused by him admitting he was still trying to talk to his ex and him getting shut down is the only reason he hasn’t been talking to her. I know that’s why I am feeling like this. Because I feel threatened. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. Beyond that…he hasn’t asked to see me or been as interested in the things I have to say the past couple of days. All that is making me feel again like jumping ship.

I know what my therapist would say. She would say that I am going to possibly ruin a good thing, and that I would be having these feelings no matter who I was dating, no matter what they did, because it’s a part of having BPD and anxious attachment. I am feeling threatened, and panicked. Even though there is nothing to feel threatened or panicked by. Truly, even if Seth decided he did not like me anymore, or if I decide I am not happy and I want to leave the relationship, that is not the end of the world. I would still be okay in my life. But I don’t want to end a relationship just because of fleeting, irrational feelings I am having based in fear that has really nothing to do with him and has more to do with my own issues and insecurities. He is a human being. Obviously he misses his friendship with her that he had, just like I miss the friendship I had with Mike which has been slowly dwindling and dying.

I have to keep reminding myself of truths. Facts. To keep myself from spiralling. She gave me these tips for stopping the spiral but it keeps happening anyway…I find myself lying awake at night like right now, unable to sleep, because my brain will not stop picking through every single little tiny detail. Why? I guess because that is my trauma brain trying to protect itself. By picking apart everything my brain is trying to seek out the threat. Where is it????? What is it???? If I can pick through and find what is wrong, find the threat, maybe I can protect myself. I know that’s why it’s doing this.

Instead of reaching out to Seth and letting HIM know about all this spiraling – which I think would be a terrible idea, I am not trying to scare him off with my fucking crazy brain – I am writing it all out here, which I think is more healthy? I can work through this on my own, I don’t need to let him know of the mess going on inside. I want reassurance but I feel unsure of how to ask for it without driving him away.

Reminding myself of these truths right now:

You are busy with school, it is your last week of college. You should be focusing on yourself and everything you need to get done for your life and for your graduation anyway. Even if he did ask to see you or hang out, you don’t have time, you have so much to get done and figure out.

When you do see Seth, in order to combat these feelings, you need to make sure you guys do something fun together to feel more connected again. Plan something out. Plan to play a game together on VR or something, or go someplace fun where you can interact with each other and give each other full attention that you need. Make it positive, keep it positive, and remember why you enjoy his company. Don’t dwell or talk about serious stuff, when you hang out make sure it is to have a fun time.

Maybe I need to remind myself of all the reasons I like Seth. Sure maybe we don’t joke or laugh quite as much as me and Mike did, but you know what…I would think that would be made up for a million times over by the fact that we have an entire list of fun stuff we would like to do together, which he actually added to, which we have been doing and crossing stuff off our list. He actually wants to explore, and travel, and do fun stuff, and not just sit and watch TV all day every day. We actually COOK things together and he is an amazing cook and has taught me so much. I love that he loves to cook too. We have made so many delicious things together.

Just looking at our list and trying to decide what fun things we could do off it, makes me reassured and remember why I am glad I met him and this is a good relationship.

Okay I just looked at my messages and apparently while I was asleep he sent me 12 messages, some saying he hopes I am sleeping well and dreaming of him, then more saying I have inspired him with the carefree way I can just draw and enjoy it and not stress over things (hahahaha not like I do with everything else) and it’s helped him to relax and have more fun drawing. Then he said it would be nice to see me soon 😀

Everything is fine. Of course it is. All this nonsense for nothing, of course he was going to ask to see me. Why have I been stressing? My God. I’m going to ask him to come to trivia night tomorrow on my campus and see if he wants to. I want to do something fun together and stay connected. Everything is good. I don’t need to be so focused on the negative or on worries. I can let go, and enjoy this life and what this is, and focus on the GOOD things. Every negative thought can be turned into a positive one.

Negative thought: He had doubts about me before, oh no!

Positive thought: Which means he was cautious and wanted to make absolutely sure that this was going to work out and he wanted to date me. He ultimately decided he wanted to, which means that it isn’t just a whim or a passing fling or feeling, he really thought deeply about it and chose to be with me when he could have said no I just want to be friends.

 

 

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