England

So we went on our trip to England and it was a wild ride…

From the day we left and I got my depo shot and another urine test which showed I STILL had an infection (turned out to be wrong though) and had to rush to get me an appointment with a urogynocologist specialist before my insurance runs out at the end of September…then had to catch our flight to England after getting me more meds. Was incredibly stressful and shitty and I was also still in pain.

Seth was amazing through all of this btw. There with me through everything and so supportive and calm.

We made it to England and between the jet lag, exhaustion, intense anxiety about my health situation, feeling guilty about it, Seth being a little bit tone deaf to the situation (asking if I wanted to stop in any place when literally all I wanted to do was get to our Airbnb and lay down and just BREATHE) I basically started crying once we got to the Airbnb…couldn’t help it. Finally in my favorite country I’ve always been obsessed with and there I was, crying on the couch, kinda miserable.

The trip soon turned around though. My doctor emailed me the day after the following day telling me that I did not have an infection and in fact, hadn’t had one for many weeks…my pain was from a recurrance of cystitis and pelvic floor dysfunction. Once I started doing the pelvic floor stretches I learned in physical therapy, the pain almost totally went away. Such a relief.

I want to write so much more about our trip and post pics but I am so exhausted and without spoons right now. Between working so late today because I had to see that specialist and now have to make up hours…to the commutes on the bus taking forever…to the water heater at the house being BROKEN when I got home, therefore I cannot even shower at home and needed to go to the gym after work. I’m just done. Just want to sleep and not think anymore. Feeling dizzy from no food for 7 hours. But I’ll have all weekend to get stuff done and write a full post about my trip. Was thinking about contacting a friend to hang with since Seth will still be on his work trip in Austria until Monday…but honestly I have a lot to do. Should take this time for myself.

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Bladder

I haven’t posted in awhile. I guess because everything has been pretty great since graduation… practiced living with Seth at the house he had shared with his ex – she moved out and we moved in basically for the remaining month of the lease. It went really great honestly and I loved it.

Then during the last week we were there I got a bladder infection and went to urgent Care. It hurt so badly. Seth was really helpful and caring. I got antibiotics, took the entire round. Two days later my infection came back and I went to the ER. They prescribed different medicine 4 times a day.

Finished them two days ago. My bladder still fucking hurts.

Going to the doctor for a 4th time today (went to one in between for a cyst). Since getting PID I’ve seen more doctors than ever in my life. I’m so miserable and I just want my life back.

Having other sensations as well, like feeling dizzy and having like hot flashes. My ovary pain also came back. The anxiety is so intense.

I almost just don’t even want to be around Seth because I am not myself right now…I am consumed by pain and fear.

We have our trip coming up…and I start a new job next week. I’m terrified that health problems and pain are going to ruin my fucking life that just started to get better and look promising.

I drank two huge bottles of pure cranberry juice, and a ton of water. I don’t know what else I can do. Going again to see doctor to see if infection is gone or not. My bladder might just be inflamed.

I just want my pain to go away. I want to enjoy my life and my relationship. To be able to have sex. Or think about ANYTHING other than this pain.

I’m so afraid of being in pain forever. Or dying. Or something just being wrong with my body and my life being ruined. I feel utterly doomed. Just when my life got better, it got ruined it feels like. Because of what happened. Because I couldn’t just be patient and not have sex with scumbags. I could have met Seth and been perfectly healthy. Instead he has to deal with a girlfriend with health problems.

Graduation Weekend

Oh man…………

I feel so fucking happy right now.

Beyond happy.

Impossibly happy.

Happy enough that honestly…the student loans I am going to be stuck with forever feel kind of worth it in a way. I am stressed about it a little bit, but at the end of the day…I only have one life to live. We all do. My brother lost his life and what he left me with was the knowledge that money is not everything, and money will never buy you more time. This was worth it, regardless. Plenty of people have student loans, but moving here and going to college here changed my entire life. Truly changed my entire life. That is what my brother knew would happen if I took the leap, even with having to take out loans and be in debt. I could have sat at home in Upstate NY, kept my old life just getting by…settling for less, and no I wouldn’t have debt but I also would never have found a life like this for myself.

Last night I went to this great dinner with my dad, sister, sister-in-laws (Christy and her sister), and Seth. He met us there and shook my dad’s hand and introduced himself. He gave my sisters a hug when he met them. He was very attentive to me, told me I looked really nice, right in front of my family. When they asked him if he was graduating or already went to college he made sure to explain that he did not finish college but he does work professionally, and has a good job, that he is the art director of this video game company. He was obviously keen to impress them and reassure them that he has his shit together. When they asked him about where he is from and if he wants to stay in Portland he actually explicitly said, “Well I work from home so I could really live anywhere, and I don’t know where Samantha might find a job, but wherever she ended up moving I would be able to go too.”

I could literally see as he was saying this, every single one of my family members turn to glance at me…the looks on their faces were slight surprise, and definite approval. It was obvious that they were surprised and extremely pleased that he was so openly, in front of them, stating that he would basically be by my side no matter where I decide to go, with my career, in my life. It felt so good, I could almost have burst with pride and joy and happiness. I have NEVER in my life had a man like him, a worthy man with a professional job, handsome, can cook and bake, funny and giving to others, never had a man like him not only want to meet and impress my family, but who would so openly state that. He is the man I always knew I deserved. I was finally ready to stop entertaining the bullshit, and only seek out that which I knew I wanted. I found it in him and I am not letting it go, not for anything.

He reassured me of his feelings for me and how serious he is about us as a couple. He has reassured me and made me feel so secure this weekend. He flat out told me ahead of time about him going over to his ex’s house to see her daughter and to get more of his things from her house. Honestly, I feel more calm and fine about it than ever before in our relationship…and I have realized that it’s not jealousy that was happening, or even that I hate the contact he still has with them. I don’t even care about that…I just needed that reassurance and that security in our relationship, to feel secure and safe, regardless of whoever he is seeing on any given day. What do I care who he sees during the day, when I know he is so serious about me, and he is going to be with ME today, tomorrow, and hopefully for years to come.

He even was serious about me moving into his house…and asked his roommate about it. He told me that if she said yes, he would literally go to my dorm and move all my stuff out himself while I was with my family. He would have honestly moved all of my stuff, himself, for me, to help me get out of my dorm and allow me to live with him at his house until I found a job and we could find a place together.

We had sex last night, even though he kind of hinted that he was tired…and he could have said he wasn’t feeling it and was too tired to, which I would have understood, but I think for me, and for the amazing night we had, he got on top of me and we had really great sex. I like that he doesn’t make me feel guilty for not initiating sex like Mike always used to…he initiates it himself if he wants to do it and if he doesn’t, that’s fine, I take that as a sign he doesn’t feel like it. But I don’t need to put all this work into it, he puts in the effort.

I’m just so overjoyed. It went so amazing. I honestly love him so much, and I wanted to tell him last night, but I still want him to say it first. He did say he is falling in love with me. Maybe soon he will say it. I know he felt happy about how the night went too, he seemed really happy. I think maybe me not making a big deal out of him going over there to see Addi also helped reassure him that our relationship is going to be good and I am not going to let my issues destroy it.

Graduation

I am graduating on Sunday.

I am officially done with all of my shit for school, no more schoolwork to worry about, at least until my last two summer classes start, but even then, I will be glad for something to do instead of just suddenly having no school, my internship ending…that would be terrifying, to from busy all the time, seeing classmates, to then nothing. I am very, very thankful to have found Seth. I know I still have all my other friends, but still. It’s nice to have someone that is closer than a friend, who is consistently there.

Lately, well at least the other night we had yet another clash about his ex, and I am beginning to realize that this is something I am going to have to deal with in a mature, logical way if I am going to be with this man. I have come to the conclusion at this point that the reason it’s been so difficult for me is that I have never been in this situation before. I have never dated anyone who had dated someone with a child before. It’s really hard. Even when this is not mine, or HIS child even. It’s still hard…because he got close with and formed a bond with this woman’s child. It shouldn’t be as hard as like what my sister has to deal with, having multiple step-children and dealing with two other baby mommas with her husband, and I don’t think it is nearly as hard…but it definitely has been emotionally triggering for me. On multiple levels.

It’s not a jealousy thing. He had basically gotten defensive and told me that he just really does not like jealousy or being with someone who is a jealous person…but the truth is, and my therapist agrees, it’s not about jealousy. I am not jealous of his ex, in any way. I know my worth and I know I am great. I am about to have my Bachelor’s Degree, I have been losing weight and looking SO GOOD. I know I am great. It’s a fear thing, not a jealousy thing. Fear based in trauma. Fear of abandonment. Fear of him changing his mind. Fear of him missing her and wishing he could be with her instead of me. Even if that can never happen, I fear him wanting that secretly inside.

The other day I noticed that his ex’s name and her daughter’s name were still on his netflix account. It bothered me that I had to keep seeing their names every time we watched netflix. I was sitting at home and we were supposed to watch something together but in our separate houses. I basically decided that I had to say something about it…because it bothered me and I wanted to be honest. I just texted and asked if they were still on there and if he planned on taking them off anytime soon?

Which, after talking to my therapist…I could have gone about it differently. I could have phrased it as this, “Hey…I noticed your ex still has an account on your Netflix…it kind of makes me feel weird to have to keep seeing her name on there, and it makes me feel kind of threatened because we are in a relationship but her name is on there, like it was when you were a family with them…would you be willing to take their names off just so I don’t have to see that all the time?”

That would have put it on me, instead of making it accusatory or like blaming him for something. Because it is about my feelings. I was bothered by it, but that’s not his fault, I could have requested what I wanted in a nice way.

He ended up getting really defensive…and saying yeah he probably would take her off “at some point…but it’s also not a big deal” and he seemed really annoyed and aggravated that I was making a big deal out of it.

I think we were almost both contemplating if we should really be in a relationship or not.

Me because it felt like he was just not at all understanding my feelings and was dismissing them…and him because he thought I have jealousy issues which are going to continue to get in the way of us having a good relationship.

It’s true. I have borderline personality disorder…I have abandonment issues. I do need to work on these things. But at the same time…I have never been with someone who still had this level of connection with an ex, which is triggering…and also…an ex with a child.

But the truth is this:

They don’t even really talk anymore. Even though he had been trying to still talk to her and wanted to remain friends, which sucks kind of, but regardless…

I have to stop doing these thought loops.

It doesn’t matter.

Maybe he is sad that they broke up, and that she doesn’t want to remain friends and continue talking. But the truth is still this:

  • They have been broken up for almost a year (September)
  • It’s not like they have been continuing to hang out – he spends ALL his time with me, and we talk all day every day with each other.
  • He takes ME to dinners and fun events
  • He cuddles with ME at night
  • Has sex with ME and only me.
  • He wants to move in with ME
  • He is going to England with MEEEE not anyone else!!

So basically I have been almost HOPING that he would mention going to get more stuff from her house, or meeting up with her to say goodbye since she is moving at the end of this month. I was hoping because I kind of wanted to prove to myself and him especially that I can be a normal, unjealous, unworried girlfriend. I don’t need to worry about it and I don’t need to stress or act like I don’t trust him – because I do. I think perhaps he is not fully over the breakup that happened…but that doesn’t mean he isn’t over her and ready to be with me…it just means he is still hurt by the breakup…his heart was broken and he has had to adjust, and it’s hard. I can be understanding. I wanted to prove I can be.

Especially since…they are moving (thank fucking god, maybe that will help him fully get over it) at the end of this month, and if I were to ruin our relationship over a person who is literally going to be moving to another state – unfortunately just one state over but still – to another state. Anyway, I just feel like there is no reason for me to push Seth away by making a big deal out of things that I guess shouldn’t be. I don’t need to be worried about her. I don’t. I worry that he isn’t completely over everything, but what can I do about that? Nothing. Me bitching and moaning about it isn’t going to help anything. If he feels sad about the breakup still and wants to still have them in his life in some way…what can I do about that? Except either say that it’s a deal breaker and it’s not going to work for me, or deal with it and try to be understanding. And why should it be a deal breaker? What is he actually doing? Nothing. He met up with her that one day to get some more of his stuff from her house, a reasonable thing. Then he went over there to help her because Addi, a little girl, called frantic because his ex had cut herself (on accident I hope?) and passed out…which sounds awful and terrifying, and I know he is a good man and a good person for going there and helping. I didn’t need to freak out about that honestly. But our relationship was not really clear at that point, so it was obviously scary.

From then on, haven’t had anything come up. Except the Netflix thing…which was me just making problems out of nothing I guess, out of something that doesn’t really matter. He had kind of been mentioning the past couple days, “I need to get my portable A/C” and he mentioned weeks ago needing to get his grill. I assumed obviously he probably has those things at his ex’s house still and needs to still get them.

Today he told me that Addi had asked to see him on father’s day…which also happens to be my graduation. He said that obviously I am his priority, and he is obviously definitely coming to my graduation, but he was going to try and find a good time either before my graduation or sometime on Saturday to go over there and see Addi and get the gift she has for him.

I could be angry about it. I could say, “YOU ARE NOT EVEN HER FATHER…….AND YOU AND HER MOM ARE BROKEN UP……..AND YOU HAVE A NEW GF”

But that would be petty wouldn’t it? It would be petty and mean and unnecessary. This poor little girl does not have a father. Seth was an important adult figure in her life. Why should I feel the need to take that away from a little girl? I don’t need to do that.

And anyway this is my graduation weekend. I have plenty to celebrate in my own life. It’s going to be great, no matter what, and having Seth in my life is also a great thing. Him spending a little time with Addi is not going to take away from our relationship in any way. He still wants to move in with me, and we are going to England together. He even said today that I should just cancel my summer dorm and just move into his house since quote, “I will probably be spending all my time over there and basically living with him anyway now that school is over” meaning…he wants me to be over there all the time. He wants that with me. WITH ME. He chose me. That’s it.

He’s meeting my family tomorrow night. He even said that while I am with my family over the weekend he could come over and move all my stuff for me basically. Like……that’s an insane level of amazing man right there. He would take all the stress of moving from my shoulders and not only offer to let me move into his place, but he would physically move all my stuff for me. He was serious about it too.

He even said that he would try to make it so that if I did want him to do stuff with me and my family Saturday or Sunday, he would make sure he was free for most of the day so that he would be available. I mean……..what more can I ask for? He even told his ex that my COLLEGE graduation was this Sunday so he would have to work around that to come see Addi. So he is being honest with both of us, telling me about his plans to see the little girl, and honest with his ex about him being with me, and him coming to my graduation. It all seems really legit, and honest, and transparent, and good.

Feeling Weird

Truths to remember when I am feeling weird:

  • Seth wants to go to England with ME, no one else
  • He wants to move in together
  • He randomly will come up to me and hug me from behind, or lay on top of me and hug me, showing affection
  • He is always trying to reassure me
  • He wants to do things with me like strawberry picking, fun stuff
  • Everyone, EVERYONE eventually needs space. You have things you could be doing too such as hanging out with friends, keeping contact with people, spending time with other people or even just enjoying yourself or reading/writing
  • He is honest, if there was a problem, he would SAY so
  • Even if it doesn’t work out, you will still be okay, your life will still be good, you have made it good with or without someone
  • Your “feelings” are not always based in reality. There is nothing real causing it. Everything is fine.

 

Trying to talk myself down from panic, do my deep breathing that my therapist taught me. There is no need for me to get like this just because Seth has been busy and a little stressed with work.

After talking to my therapist, it really helped put a lot of things in perspective. She basically helped me to understand that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and anxious attachment style. This causes me problems in my romantic relationships. I get very attached…and then when I feel even the SLIGHTEST sense or feeling of pulling away, or change in communication, I straight up panic. I pull away, I become cold and distant and like ice. I cry my eyes out, literally in an internal panic.

It’s something I know I need to work on. I am working on it. One of the tips she has given me is to work on my breathing, when I begin to feel myself get emotional, or panicked because of something I perceive as a betrayal or abandonment, I need to stop immediately and consciously focus on my breathing. Basically, my body is going through actual panic, as if a lion has entered the room. Except there is no lion. There is no actual, real outside source for my fear and panic and bad feelings. It is all coming from inside me.

She said the first step I can do is to try and stop the physical response I am having. I can do that by focusing on my breathing and my heart-rate, and take slow, deep breaths to calm myself physically. I actually tried that earlier today when I began to feel panic and have racing thoughts about whether or not I actually want to be with Seth (irrational thoughts based on him being a little bit busy the past couple of days). It did actually work…I took some really deep breaths, focused on breathing and calming myself down and suddenly I could think more clearly and I felt okay again.

The truth is just this: We are still talking every day throughout the day. The only real change is that when I said I needed to go home Sunday night he didn’t try to fight it or suggest that I stay anyway like he usually does…and then he perhaps hasn’t been quite as responsive or interested in the things I have been sharing with him lately, and we have spent two nights now apart without him asking to see me. Really shouldn’t be a big deal.

He has a lot of work stuff going on, basically the video game he has been working on for five years is finally dropping at E3 soon…and interviews are happening, it’s kind of a big deal. He has a lot of pressure on him from his boss because of this and has been somewhat stressed with work. That is perfectly understandable, it’s getting to a new point in his job where it’s going to be a little more stressful.

I have to remind myself that things going on in his life causing his attention to be elsewhere has nothing to do with me or his feelings for me. They are totally different things, and if he did not feel the same about me he would say so, and he wouldn’t keep talking to me. He wouldn’t be planning an entire fucking trip to England with me if he didn’t still like me.

I’ve asked him if he has felt love before for someone, like he was in love with someone. He said yes. I asked if he told the person that he loved them and he said yes he did.

That basically tells me that when he feels that for me, he will tell me that.

I don’t feel like I want to say it first, even though honestly I feel it a lot of the time. Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe I am just really attached, but that isn’t love.

I want him to say it, but I don’t want to say it first. For my own peace of mind, he has to tell me he loves me first. Just looked up an article by Elite and apparently the average time to wait for that is 3-6 months of dating. It’s been about 4 months for us at this point, or at least 4 months since we first met…I guess technically just 2 months since we entered into a sexual romantic relationship. We dated for literally, exactly two months after first meeting before having sex (which I still think was smart). So I guess maybe in his mind we’ve only really been dating for real for two months, not four months. Since we didn’t get to that next step until just two months ago. I guess I can wait another couple of months…but I do think…before we move in together and before we decide to actually move in together, I would like to hear him say it. Maybe he will say it to me while we are in England. Who knows. I guess I shouldn’t worry about it so much. But I do feel like that is the boundary I need to set. If he cannot bring himself to say “I love you” by the time we are ready to move in together, I would honestly see it as a red flag and will probably not want to move in with him after all.

It does kind of suck that I am going to need to figure out my living situation before we go on our trip because I think going on this trip together will give us a good indication and idea of whether or not it’s a good idea to live together. We won’t be able to get time away from one another necessarily, for an entire 11 days, the most time we will have ever spent together nonstop. It will be stressful in plenty of ways. Scary. Tiring.

I think it’s great we are taking a trip like that, not only because it’s a fucking lifelong dream to go to England…and I have always wanted to meet a man to travel with, but also for our relationship it will obviously tell us a lot about each other and what living with one another and dealing with hard situations will be like. I’m really hoping it goes well. I am hopeful and excited, it’s a good thing that we do that.

I just reeeeaaaaly wish my living situation could be figured out AFTER that trip, but it really can’t. I’m not sure what to do about that.

 

Update at 3 fucking AM

Dwelling on shit that is so stupid. He went to a meetup with game developer friends. Which is good, I’m honestly, logically really glad that he is obviously putting in effort to meet other friends who aren’t girls on OkCupid like his friend Liz was. Obviously he needs to make friends and I would rather him have nights where he goes and hangs with some new friends and is happy and gets what he needs in life. I had told him before that I wanted him to be happy and he looked me right in the face and said, “You make me happy.”

I’m not sure why I am feeling so shitty this week, it all really started after he told me Sunday that he had been trying to keep in contact with his ex, to stay friends with her and that she had basically cut him off and basically asked him why the fuck he kept trying to talk to her when they were broken up.

The same fucking question I pretty much have too.

It hurt that he so blatantly was admitting that he had been trying to keep in contact and it was HIM reaching out to her and trying to talk. I’m glad that she shut him down and is not letting that happen or feeding into it because…I really feel like I would have to end things, like just be with her if you can’t let go and want to keep talking to her.

I had told him kind of how it made me feel, that my brain was telling me he would rather just be with her, and he doesn’t like me as much and he told me that was not true, that he thinks I am better and he does want to be with me. I guess I felt reassured in the moment but now that we have been apart for two entire days…I cannot stop dwelling. I can’t stop thinking about when we first started talking, how he started overthinking everything with us and didn’t talk to me for 24 hours that one day until I flat out texted and asked what was going on and he said he was overthinking everything. His hesitance in the beginning.

Even though he has said his doubts are pretty much gone now…it still hurts. It still makes me scared. It also makes me question my own feelings.

I myself even have moments where I miss Mike…I miss the relationship me and him had which was so different from what I have with Seth. I can imagine he feels that about his ex sometimes too. With Mike, we were always laughing, we understood each other so well, because we had known each other for so much longer, and maybe Mike is just a lot easier to get close to because he is a feeling person, and so overly affectionate. I miss how funny Mike was, how lighthearted our times were together, how excited and expressive he would get…how affectionate. I think humor and emotions is something missing in this relationship sometimes and it kind of sucks, on top of the stuff with his ex and me feeling like, what the fuck made this bitch so great? Seriously? Like I can’t imagine anyone being able to pull any kind of emotion out of this guy so why is he so attached to her? Because she had a fucking kid with someone else? Like dude…wtf? But then here I am missing Mike because I wish I had the humor back that I had in my last relationship, and I feel in some ways like Seth doesn’t and maybe won’t ever truly understand me.

I know that he makes decisions based on thinking and logic, not on emotion. So that’s obviously where his hesitation and doubt came from, and I logically can understand that after getting out of a breakup that was obviously extremely painful for him, going from living with this woman and her daughter, being a family with them, obviously losing that was painful, and it would make him and any man probably very scared to enter into something else where they could just be hurt again, or it end up not being right. It seems like he is really hoping for something long-term, and doesn’t want to enter into a relationship that is just going to end after a couple years like this last situation did.

I don’t want that either. So obviously it’s scary. There is something inside me that keeps saying, “Just leave. You are not getting what you want here, you are feeling shitty, this is not good.” but then I remember my therapist telling me that my feelings are based in fear, and panic. I know my feelings are being caused by him admitting he was still trying to talk to his ex and him getting shut down is the only reason he hasn’t been talking to her. I know that’s why I am feeling like this. Because I feel threatened. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. Beyond that…he hasn’t asked to see me or been as interested in the things I have to say the past couple of days. All that is making me feel again like jumping ship.

I know what my therapist would say. She would say that I am going to possibly ruin a good thing, and that I would be having these feelings no matter who I was dating, no matter what they did, because it’s a part of having BPD and anxious attachment. I am feeling threatened, and panicked. Even though there is nothing to feel threatened or panicked by. Truly, even if Seth decided he did not like me anymore, or if I decide I am not happy and I want to leave the relationship, that is not the end of the world. I would still be okay in my life. But I don’t want to end a relationship just because of fleeting, irrational feelings I am having based in fear that has really nothing to do with him and has more to do with my own issues and insecurities. He is a human being. Obviously he misses his friendship with her that he had, just like I miss the friendship I had with Mike which has been slowly dwindling and dying.

I have to keep reminding myself of truths. Facts. To keep myself from spiralling. She gave me these tips for stopping the spiral but it keeps happening anyway…I find myself lying awake at night like right now, unable to sleep, because my brain will not stop picking through every single little tiny detail. Why? I guess because that is my trauma brain trying to protect itself. By picking apart everything my brain is trying to seek out the threat. Where is it????? What is it???? If I can pick through and find what is wrong, find the threat, maybe I can protect myself. I know that’s why it’s doing this.

Instead of reaching out to Seth and letting HIM know about all this spiraling – which I think would be a terrible idea, I am not trying to scare him off with my fucking crazy brain – I am writing it all out here, which I think is more healthy? I can work through this on my own, I don’t need to let him know of the mess going on inside. I want reassurance but I feel unsure of how to ask for it without driving him away.

Reminding myself of these truths right now:

You are busy with school, it is your last week of college. You should be focusing on yourself and everything you need to get done for your life and for your graduation anyway. Even if he did ask to see you or hang out, you don’t have time, you have so much to get done and figure out.

When you do see Seth, in order to combat these feelings, you need to make sure you guys do something fun together to feel more connected again. Plan something out. Plan to play a game together on VR or something, or go someplace fun where you can interact with each other and give each other full attention that you need. Make it positive, keep it positive, and remember why you enjoy his company. Don’t dwell or talk about serious stuff, when you hang out make sure it is to have a fun time.

Maybe I need to remind myself of all the reasons I like Seth. Sure maybe we don’t joke or laugh quite as much as me and Mike did, but you know what…I would think that would be made up for a million times over by the fact that we have an entire list of fun stuff we would like to do together, which he actually added to, which we have been doing and crossing stuff off our list. He actually wants to explore, and travel, and do fun stuff, and not just sit and watch TV all day every day. We actually COOK things together and he is an amazing cook and has taught me so much. I love that he loves to cook too. We have made so many delicious things together.

Just looking at our list and trying to decide what fun things we could do off it, makes me reassured and remember why I am glad I met him and this is a good relationship.

Okay I just looked at my messages and apparently while I was asleep he sent me 12 messages, some saying he hopes I am sleeping well and dreaming of him, then more saying I have inspired him with the carefree way I can just draw and enjoy it and not stress over things (hahahaha not like I do with everything else) and it’s helped him to relax and have more fun drawing. Then he said it would be nice to see me soon 😀

Everything is fine. Of course it is. All this nonsense for nothing, of course he was going to ask to see me. Why have I been stressing? My God. I’m going to ask him to come to trivia night tomorrow on my campus and see if he wants to. I want to do something fun together and stay connected. Everything is good. I don’t need to be so focused on the negative or on worries. I can let go, and enjoy this life and what this is, and focus on the GOOD things. Every negative thought can be turned into a positive one.

Negative thought: He had doubts about me before, oh no!

Positive thought: Which means he was cautious and wanted to make absolutely sure that this was going to work out and he wanted to date me. He ultimately decided he wanted to, which means that it isn’t just a whim or a passing fling or feeling, he really thought deeply about it and chose to be with me when he could have said no I just want to be friends.

 

 

Skills

People have different skills and everyone is different.

Some people have skills with data and programs, with math and numbers and all the things that make you good at this kind of field, environmental science. Some people take to it like a fish in water, it makes sense to them, intuitively. I’m not sure if it’s my advanced age at this point, or trauma I have been through affecting my brain or what, but I cannot figure this shit out for the life of me.

But I discovered this week that I have a skill far more valuable than being good at math, or numbers, or programs. I have the ability to seek help, and to receive help from people because I can communicate. I know how to reach out, and I know who to reach out to. I know who would be able to help me and I am able to forge relationships that help me in the long run.

People like Kelley are always on their own, because they alienate everyone around them with their attitude and mean way of interacting. That can be fine most of the time, as people like her hardly need help, they seem to be good at everything and so look down on everyone else.

But there will always be times when you need help, and what I have has served me well and continues to help me in my life. The ability to get help when I need it.

It’s huge.

Even like seeking out therapy. I could have lived a life full of pain, unresolved issues, ruining every relationship I get into with my anxious attachment style, or even worse, ending my life. But I was able to seek out help and I found a great therapist who I have been working with for a year, who has been helping me so much. I saw her today and gained that amount of help, gaining insight into what I need to do in order to not ruin things with Seth and not sabotage what IS a great relationship in my life. I was able to cry my feelings out and get help knowing that I have the power over these feelings I have, and there is hope, I can fix this and keep getting help for it. I have control over it, I can fix it. I was able to cry about past memories and better understand them.

Then I was able to reach out to another classmate the other day, after giving up on working with Kelley, and that classmate was able to meet with me and literally walk me through this entire HUGE assignment, a take home midterm that I was so frustrated by and lost on. This classmate was really good with the GIS program and literally was able to walk me through everything, so easily. I saved hours of frustration by just seeking out help from her instead of continuing to try and work on it with Kelley and getting more stressed. My ability to reach out and ask for help from others who I have been nice to and built relationships with is going to save my ass.

SO thankful that I have these tools and skills, and after talking to my therapist I realize I am so capable and I need to remember that.

 

Frustration

Two weeks left of school and it’s stress city over here basically.

Also doesn’t help that my ovary pain returns every three fucking weeks…I’ve started keeping track and it started EXACTLY three weeks after it started last time. At least I know last time it went away within 4 days…but still. I’m in fucking pain, having weird nerve sensations because of the scar tissue moving with my ovaries. Nothing can be done until I get a good job and health insurance.

That’s stressful, knowing I have to apply for a million job and not knowing who is going to accept me, where am I going to work and live?

Also doesn’t help that Kelley is being such a fucking BIIIITCH to me, treating me like shit, guilt tripping me for spending time with my boyfriend, then not helping with homework every time we meet to work on school stuff, instead she just talks to me like I’m an idiot. I had enough today and stormed out. I was overwhelmed with the GIS midterm we have to take home and do…spent HOURS staring at the screen feeling defeated, not knowing how to do literally anything, distracted by pain.

Finally after asking her a question about it (since she is good at this stuff) and getting the response “I don’t know, ask someone else, look it up in the book Sam.”

I just walked out.

Went to a different lab that was silent where I could fucking think and try to figure it out on my own without having to hear Kelley and her cooler-than-me friend Brittney giggling and laughing the entire time while Kelley treats me like absolute shit.

Anyway I need to get to bed. I finally figured the shit out ON MY OWN. At least the first part, and I have plans to work on the HW with someone else in the class now so I have hope.

This entire week and weekend is probably going to be schoolwork which sucks. I cannot wait for this all to just be fucking over. Cannot. Wait. Two more fucking weeks of this awful shit.

Okay, going to bed. Work and then presentation tomorrow.

Stress

It’s a really stressful but exciting time.

I am about to graduate in three weeks.

So much schoolwork to get done and scary tests and difficult homework.

I have been kind of binge eating lately…because of stress. Going to weigh myself tomorrow and really hoping I haven’t gained any weight back that I have lost. Been consistently losing but then haven’t been to the gym in awhile, it’s been crappy outside, and been eating too much because of stress.

Have a really difficult test tomorrow and I am scared. Just hope I somehow pass.

Going to hopefully go to the gym this weekend, maybe tomorrow. Need to spend more time doing what I need to do, maybe get a little more “me” time…can’t wait to just be graduated and be able to focus on my other friends a little more, and applying for a million jobs. It’s stressful, not knowing what the future holds, not being settled. Not knowing where I am going to work or live coming up here soon.

Join the Club

So I haven’t been talking to Mike lately a lot…not really on purpose, but just because I am really busy with school stuff, and with Seth most of the time, so I am too busy for most of my other friends at this point including him. He also hasn’t been really trying to talk to me much either. Ever since me and Seth started getting a lot more serious he backed off which is obviously a good thing and I appreciate, that’s what a person should do.

Anyway I sent him a picture of me in my graduation cap and gown, just as a friend thing, to show him I am almost close to graduation. We kept missing each other’s video calls and then when I video called him last night when I got a free moment to talk, he was – as usual – in a bad mood, with his grumpy face on. He said it wasn’t a really good time for him to talk, and I asked why, if anything was wrong with his mom or what. His mom did get diagnosed with colon cancer and stuff and has been in and out of the hospital, which I feel bad about.

He then told me that he is scared he has an STD.

Which kind of shocked me. Mostly the fact that he found someone to have sex with him…which I know shouldn’t come as a shock necessarily…plenty of desperate girls out there on these dating sites. But it’s not like he said he was seeing someone or dating someone. Me and Seth waited two whole months before having sex so we could really get to know each other (which I am so thankful for and truly believe was the correct decision and right way to go about it). Not that everyone has to wait that long, but it just surprised me that he found someone to have sex with. I can only imagine his apartment reeks of cat piss…his breath is ALWAYS terrible and he has rotting teeth in his mouth from never going to the dentist. His personal hygiene is just awful. I guess thinking about all these things, why did I even want to be with him ever? I guess we were just best friends and I dealt with it. It’s not like he is ugly necessarily. He is balding REALLY bad…more and more every time I see him. With bad teeth, etc. But he does have a strong jaw, and is a jock so he has muscles and a nice body I guess. I personally like men who have a little softer body, I don’t even care about muscles, especially when the guy is overly concerned about his muscles and looks.

Anyway. I guess he is attractive enough to find a girl to have sex with him. I shouldn’t be surprise, it’s just hard for me to imagine it. Him having sex with someone else at this point. Even though I have a boyfriend, even though I did the exact same thing and ACTUALLY got an STD. Like he basically did the same thing I did a year ago. He might not even have one, he is just worrying because he stupidly had sex with a random without a fucking condom. I at least tried to use condoms when I did it. My main mistake was not getting tested immediately and treated immediately. I didn’t tell him that the same thing happened to me but I did tell him he needs to get tested and not wait, and just find out and deal with it. I also told him OBVIOUSLY to fucking use condoms if he’s going to be having sex with people offline now. He showed me a pile of condoms he has now and said he is going to after this because it sucks feeling scared like that. I know exactly what he meant.

I wanted to say, “Well guess what? At least you will never have to go through what I did. Even if you did get an STD, it’s probably treatable, and you don’t have ovaries that can get destroyed by the infection, you won’t have chronic pain for the rest of your life. Lucky you.”

But obviously I didn’t say that. I was kind of upset. He’s having sex with other people now. I knew it would happen. I didn’t really know how it would feel but…I knew it wouldn’t feel that great. I think I have to just take a step back with our friendship. Being with Seth helped me to be friends with him again, but it’s different now that he is having sex with other people. He’s not a good friend anyway, and he obviously doesn’t really care about me and he’s always in a shitty mood when I talk to him.

I was going to block him but then decided to just set his messages to “ignore” on FB messenger so I just won’t see them anymore. He can still message me if he wants but I won’t have to see them anymore, for awhile. Until I can process this and hopefully get over it, and maybe one day in the future we can be friends.

It’s interesting though that he is going through basically what I went through too. Makes me feel not so shitty I guess and like less of an idiot. He did the same fucking thing, except worse because he didn’t even try to use condoms, just straight up made a dumb decision. Not that I haven’t done that too. It happens. It sucks. It’s a part of being human on this earth. I feel bad for him a little.

I guess I am mostly shocked because he was never that kind of guy. To just meet someone online and have sex with them without being in a relationship – which is not what this sounds like if he is scared he got an STD from them. He was never the “one night stand” kind of guy…he was always a good guy, who wanted a relationship before all that. Maybe it’s because he literally had only had sex with two women his whole life, me and his ex who is still married to.

Maybe he is now just realizing he is almost 30 and only had sex with two women and he wants to “sow his wild oats” or whatever, and see what it’s all about. Good for him I guess. I hope he has a good time doing that. I already went through that period of my life so I can’t really judge. I am ready for a serious life partner and committed relationship, which is what I think I have found, and I am so thankful for it more than ever now.

Going to class and then going to do HW and hopefully see my wonderful Seth and plan our trip to England!!!!!!!! I am kind of sad that we have to put our moving in together plans on hold…and I am kind of going to have to figure out another living situation after I get out of the dorms before our trip but it’s fine. Maybe we should wait anyway to move in together and going on a trip together first would be better. I can easily find a place to live anyway by myself.

My main thing has to be trying to find a job, and then planning this trip. Finding a short term place to live should be easy. But this trip would be a once in a lifetime thing…going to a country I have always wanted to go to my ENTIRE life and getting to go with a man like Seth, who cares about things like I do, and is smart, and is into trying new foods!!! It’s going to be so amazing, I am really excited. My dad gave me some money towards the trip too!!!

Reversal

Will fill in details later but basics:

  • College sucks, don’t recommend, can’t wait to be done
  • Seth has been talking about moving in together!!!!!!!! So obviously he feels strongly enough about me to want to take that step.
  • We finally had sex without condoms (after three months, I think that’s pretty good) and I trust him, I think we are safe. He mentioned the moving in together thing before that so it’s not like that caused him to say that.
  • We actually looked at places together we could potentially live and he said he will look on his own too…so different from Mike who literally was incapable of helping me make decisions like that and help me look for apartments.
  • I’m so excited but nervous for several reasons but mostly excited and glad.
  • Can’t believe I met someone finally who is so great. Just hope he loves me eventually the same as I love him. I won’t say it first but I feel it.
  • Work is going good and there might be an opening after my internship!!!!!
  • Cannot wait to start my real life after graduating college.
  • Fuck this pelvic pain and PID and grief and all the shit I’ve been through, my life is turning out so great anyway.