My Story

*****Going to put a trigger warning on this. I have decided to disclose what happened and what’s been going on this past month. This post describes sexual activities, not in great detail but still, and it also mentions acts that are considered sexual assault.*****

I’m trying to refocus my life and move on from what has happened that I cannot change now.

The first thing that happened was I unblocked my ex-boyfriend Eric on FB and talked to him before I moved across the country. At the time my brother was dying, I was about to make the biggest move and change of my entire life, I was scared, I just wanted to say goodbye to Eric and I will be honest, I wanted him to know that I was leaving forever and making something of my life.

I had sex with him. It was consensual. He refuses to wear condoms which I have come to realize is a fucking issue so many men have, to the detriment of their own health and others health. I didn’t care, because I was stupid. When we were together we used to have sex multiple times a day. I knew he had been with other people, but I did not expect that he would have caught any illness because…to be honest he isn’t a social person and he’s not the kind of guy who I would think would be able to attract MANY partners. For this reason I felt foolishly safe. Afterwards I noticed that he had weird bumps on his penis. The panic set in. I could not believe it.

Who the fuck had he slept with? Why had he been so fucking foolish? Why had I? What was going to happen to me??

I went the next day and got tested. They called me and gave me the news. I had Chlamydia and high risk HPV. One of those illnesses is curable, the other is not. You have to hope your body clears the virus but sometimes it doesn’t and it can cause cervical cancer and genital warts (which is what I think those bumps were). I was absolutely devastated. I could not take the act back, there was nothing I could do except get treatment for the infection and move to Portland with the knowledge that I had been marked in some horrible way by Eric, this person who had already caused me such awful emotional and mental pain, had now given me a virus that could potentially affect me for the rest of my fucking life.

That had to take a backseat though since I was preoccupied with moving to Portland and seeing my brother, who was fading away every single week and every month. He passed away in November and I have still not been able to fully process it. The last year of my life seems to have been full of events that I look at now with a weird detachment because they are in the past but part of me feels like, “Can I just go back to that time? Can I ever? Can I press rewind and stop it? Can I go back?” No I cannot. It does make me feel in a way as if my life is already over and I am living in a strange limbo or dream.

You would think after what happened with Eric I would have been more careful, and I really wanted to be and tried to be.

After being here for six months and visiting Mike once in Kentucky, I was getting restless. It’s not so much that I wanted to find a relationship, because I knew emotionally I was not ready for that in my fragile, broken state. But I was all alone. In a state where I had no family, and only superficial friends who I did not know that well and who didn’t really know me. My brother had just fucking died, the person who I moved here to be closer to, my best friend. I was so alone and all I wanted really was a human being to hug me, to hold me. I wanted human touch so badly, even in the form of sex. I was having sex dreams every other night that just brought it up in my brain that I really needed to find someone to have sex with. It’s not a crazy idea in this age of technology where people can so easily find that if that’s what they are looking for. As a female you are sometimes made to feel bad about it, and truthfully this experience has really made me rethink my need for physical attention and how unhealthy it is maybe.

I downloaded Tinder, my first time ever using the app, and started swiping. I wasn’t expecting much, I just wanted to see if I could find someone looking for the same type of situation. Like I said, I just so badly wanted a human being to hold me in an affectionate way – not like a friend or family member – but that level of physical comfort you can only get from a lover. That skin to skin contact that has been shown to be so incredibly healthy for human beings because it makes your body release whatever feel good chemicals it does. Basically I needed those fucking chemicals, at this dire point in my life. I chose the wrong way to go about it.

I’ll say that I am a person who has a non-mother, I have written about it before. I believe this has caused me to not care about myself as much as I should, it’s caused me to allow others to mistreat me my entire life. It’s caused serious problems in my life to have a mother who is absent, who I never really hear from, who is mentally ill, who has never really shown any love or care for me.

Because of this I think I am not as selective with people, and I jump on the first person who ever gives me the time of day because I am so trained to think I am unwanted and if I don’t make this one person pleased, they will abandon me and I won’t be able to find anyone else. It’s weird.

I came across a person’s profile, we will call him Tony. It said he was into BDSM and was a feminist (HAHAHA NOPE) and it also showed we had a common connection, a girl who listens to the same podcast I do and I have actually met in person in a meetup group. I thought, great, here is a guy who maybe could fit this role I am looking for, he maybe listens to the same podcast, great! I messaged him. He did not know of the podcast or the girl (they must have a mutual friend but not know each other). I asked him about the BDSM, he said he was dominant, which is the kind of guy I was looking for since I am more submissive (this could because of my childhood trauma and trauma from Eric but let’s not explore that right now). He suggested that we meet up and “discuss it”. My first reaction was to be terrified and nervous and I thought, no I can’t actually meet up with this attractive stranger and possibly have sex with a stranger, can I? No, that is too scary.

I kept thinking about it and finally decided, this is a great opportunity to meet a really attractive Portland hipster with cute rectangular glasses who is into the same thing you are and is the same type you are looking for in every way. He even had a fucking Harry Potter tattoo for God’s sake, I could not have asked for a more perfect man to fit my fantasy (that’s the sad part. Also his tattoo was the death eater symbol so…yeah that should have been a warning to me).

I agreed to meet him, put on a nice dress, did my makeup and hair, took a deep breath and met him.

I think I might have even written a blog post about this before, not knowing what was to come. He kept putting his hand on my shoulder as he talked and the pressure on my shoulder was intoxicating, like this human being actually touching me was absolutely wonderful. After a drink and talking more and getting more comfortable he asked if I wanted to go back to his house he shared with roommates and…You know. I said no at first, and then changed my mind because I decided, what the fuck. I came all this way, surely he will have condoms and it will be safe. I don’t ever have to meet with him again, I can at least get laid SAFELY this one night and maybe be good for a while. If only it were that simple as a woman to have safe sex with someone from Tinder.

Part of me worried I would be murdered, but this bizarre grief stricken part of me thought, “It would be okay if I got murdered as long as it was quick. Then I would never feel pain again. I wouldn’t have to live without my brother, and I would have no worries any longer.”

He did not murder me. But he did bizarrely try to put his dick inside me without a condom at first. I was shocked, and flinched away from him and moved away. That time he got the hint and went to get a condom. I was surprised that he had been seriously about to fuck a total stranger without even asking if I wanted to use a condom or without even trying to protect himself. He had asked me how long it had been since I had sex so maybe he was using that as a safety gauge. So dumb.

That first time we had sex with a condom and it was pretty much fine, except when at one point he was rubbing his bare dick on my private parts, which even at the time seemed extremely unsafe and like it defeated the purpose of the condom but stupid me, I said nothing.

The second time we met up he was not as much of a “nice guy”. It was my birthday even, that is what makes it even sadder. I keep going over everything he said to me in my mind. He said offhand that he had “H2” I assume he meant herpes. He said flippantly, “Which everyone who is sexually active has anyway.” I remember thinking…”No…Not everyone has that. What a ridiculous thing to say.”

He talked about the sex clubs he had been to, all the people he had sex with, how he loved swinging, how he had two somewhat serious relationships going on currently. How he met up with a new person every week or so. How he wanted to go back to school and become a nurse because he hated his current career in finances. I hope to god he never becomes a nurse. It terrifies me to think of it.

On his profile it also said he was a sadist, as well as being dominant.

The time we met up on my birthday we had sex for a short period of time with no condom and I cannot remember how it even happened. I felt pressured, I was not in the position of power, I feel like he just started doing it and I felt at that point like it was too late to stop anything and I was screwed no matter what now. He did not finish inside me, which is the only thing I can hold onto as my salvation. Afterwards he asked if I had any regrets which just seemed like a slap in the face. He wanted to make sure I couldn’t go back and say I regretted what happened and didn’t want it. I said no. That’s on me, I fully admit this. I lied and said I had no regrets when I did, and I allowed something to happen that I should have stopped before it could happen. What I don’t understand is his use of condoms, and then not use. We started off using one, he even had bought special ones which “felt better” then it came off or got stuck in me or something stupid happened and there was an excuse not to put another one back on. The excuses or reasons men will give for being awful and not being safe when it comes to condom use.

He admitted that it was a really stupid decision and a stupid thing we did. Only now do I think back on it and realize he had every reason to regret what he did too, because he didn’t even know I have high risk HPV – didn’t bother to even ask, the dumbass. I now obviously really wish I had told him upfront, “Yeah just so you know I have fucking HPV so for YOUR FUCKING SAFETY wrap your shit up asshole.” then maybe he would have been more careful and not pressured me and what happened the next time we met would not have happened. I wish so badly I had told him what I had, because then he would have used a condom every time and he wouldn’t have been such an idiot. Now he has it too and his poor girlfriend who he is in a serious relationship with will have to deal with it as well, the same as I am dealing with it now.

Ugggghhh.

The third time we met up, I had already been dealing with symptoms which I took to be a yeast infection. Not sure why I kept trying to lie to myself and act like there was no way anything bad had happened, not sure why I assumed it was a yeast infection and didn’t just get tested right then and there. If I had, it wouldn’t have been as bad as it turned out to be.

Instead I met him a third time. This time I am firm in my convictions. I thought to myself, “It’s not too late. I need to be safe. I am going to bring a condom, I am going to make sure he uses it and there is not going to be another mistake. I am going to be safe about this.”

I brought a Trojan condom of my own, actually I brought two. I went there, to my fucking doom. I pulled out the condom, I said I brought this for you to use, but if you don’t want to use this one it’s okay. He of course being a terrible person twisted my words and said, “Oh I don’t have to use it?” I very clearly said, “No I mean you don’t have to use this particular one, you can use one of YOURS if you would rather.”

I could not have been clearer about my desire to use condoms. Seriously.

He mentioned that he didn’t have any more of his good quality condoms, just the other kind. We used a condom, it kept coming off him and getting stuck in me because he insisted on putting so much lube on the inside of the damn thing.

He tried putting it in without a condom on and I stopped him. I said very clearly, “Can you do this with a condom on?” He grumbled a little bit but put one on.

The really awful part was when I decided to stay the night there. I could have just got up, got dressed and left, feeling good about the fact that I had been safe and did things the right way and finally stood up for my own safety. I could have left. I did not, and instead stayed the night because I really just wanted to be held and to have human physical affection, which is so desperately sad when I think about it. All this just so someone would fucking hold me.

I had a hard time falling asleep and I kept shifting. Just as I was finally drifting off to sleep I felt him suddenly move quickly on top of me (I was laying on my stomach so he was on top of my back) he essentially began having sex with me, with no condom, while I was laying there not quite asleep but almost asleep and for all he knew I was sleeping.

I didn’t stop it or freak out right away, it took me a moment to fully process what was going on. I realized there was no way he had protection on because we had gone from laying there going to sleep to this, there was no rustling around, and he had done it so quickly almost as if to make it happen before I could question or stop it.

When I stopped him after a few moments and turned around he simply said, “You had enough?” and then proceeded to stand up, put clothes on and say rather rudely, “It’s really late so you either have to leave or we need to go to sleep. I don’t want to be blunt about it but…I need to go to sleep now. It was so rude and unthoughtful and STRANGE that it took my breath away. He had just fucking violated me, and now he was basically saying, “You are keeping me awake, you need to get the fuck out.” I had been trying to sleep. I should have just left before that happened. I just can’t believe he was that horrible to say that to me after doing something he knew I didn’t want him to do.

The sad part is, I still stayed there. At that point I was so emotionally confused and shattered, I didn’t know what to do. So I stayed. The next morning I left, but not before going pee and feeling such awful pain it was as if I was peeing out shards of broken glass, that’s what it felt like. Peeing out knives.  Oh and before I left I pointedly asked him, “Do you use condoms with other people you have sex with?” and he sheepishly said, “I usually do but sometimes I do slip up. I know we should be using condoms, I just get too excited. But I was just tested two and a half weeks ago so it’s fine.” Fucking liar.

In such awful pain the next day. I finally decided I had to suck up the shame and I needed to go to urgent care and get looked at. That’s when it all went downhill like a mudslide.

I got checked out and tested. I explained that not only was I feeling the pain when peeing but I was now suddenly feeling stabbing pains in my abdomen and on my mons pubis, just stabbing pain within my body somewhere. I was in sheer panic. The doctor mentioned that I could have PID, which is a result of getting Chlamydia, not just once but this second time now and not catching it for almost a month. The bacteria can then more easily get into your system and fuck your shit up even worse. It can cause infertility, or even death if you don’t treat it. The doctor gave me a shot and medication to start taking as a precaution just in case. Then the results came in and she said I did have Chlamydia and that’s what was causing my symptoms.

Messaged Tony and told the bastard. All he said was, “Thanks for letting me know.” fucker.

I was in shock. The same infection, which I have never gotten before ever in my life, and now I had gotten it from two different people one after the other, within half a year. What the fuck.  On top of that, the panic began to truly set in because he had lied about being tested, clearly. What else was he lying about? What else did he give me? Did he do this on purpose? Was he that much of a monster that he went around purposefully infecting women in this way? What else did I have? What have I done?

Then slowly the realization started to sink in that I was indeed sexually assaulted. The fact that I wanted to be safe, tried to be safe, and ended up being violated and infected anyway because of someone else’s actions that I had no control over. I started looking into it and realized how many men do this shit, and that it is called “stealthing” and it is sexual assault. I still felt guilty because I had put myself in the situation and I knew I shouldn’t have gone back to see him after the night of my birthday, I knew he was an unsafe person and he kept mentioning these rape fantasies he had where he takes the condom off and gets girls pregnant. I swear the only reason he didn’t try to go that far was because he asked if I was on birth control (looking back, of course he asked that because he was already planning on doing this shit) and I said no I am not. That might be the only thing that saved me from getting it worse because he didn’t really want to get me pregnant.

What followed was basically a nightmare. I was sobbing every single day. I was waking up in the middle of the night, shaking and panicking, my heart pounding, my entire body literally seizing up and shaking with anxiety and panic. My body no longer felt like mine (it still doesn’t). I was feeling stabbing pains in in my pelvis and I was convinced that there was something really wrong with me. I tried reaching out to my sister and she brushed off my panic. She said, “The infection is curable. Not a big deal.” She couldn’t understand that I wasn’t as worried about that as I was about the PID getting worse, or worried about something permanent that he could have given me. Suddenly I was convinced that I was given HIV because my body just felt weird, I was feeling pains all over. I woke up the next week with a sore throat and my panic exploded within me. I looked it up and of course google tells me, “Sore throat can be a sign of HIV, pains can be a sign, cough, etc.” I went to the doctor again and he basically laughed at me. He said the same thing as my sister which was, this STI you got is very common. You are being treated for it. The medicine is going to take time to heal you. Your sore throat? The tests came back and you have Strep. Here’s some medicine that will help that and that also cures STI’s, double whammy. I would bet my house that you don’t have HIV. Did he ejaculate inside you? Is he bisexual? Does he use intravenous drugs? I highly doubt you have that then.  You will be okay. (BTW if anyone reading this has any anecdotal stories about why this advice is not sound and how you can get that illness anyway no matter what please do not comment and tell me this. It’s not helpful and I will only continue to panic which is making my symptoms worse.)

Actually that doctor was highly comforting, perhaps the most comforting person I met throughout all this. I was crying in front of him and in sheer panic and I told him how stupid I felt for what I had done and he said, “What, for being human? You’re human. It is okay.” It meant so much for me to hear. I am only human.

I got the medicine for strep. Started taking that. Then while my body was good and beaten down, I got a full blown cold. Obviously now I was in such a panic I was almost having like a psychotic episode, fully out-of-body, could not think, could not eat, and could not even function whatsoever. I didn’t know why I was suddenly getting so sick after this one sexual assault incident, what it meant, if it meant I was dying or going to die, if I would ever get better.

Basically my panicking and high levels of stress caused me to lose my mind worse than I have since I was a child. I thought I was seriously losing it. The panic caused me to have even worse symptoms, like my hands going numb, my whole body hurting, tugging sensations in my arms and legs, etc. All which caused me to panic more.

I will continue this, but this entry is already crazy long. This is part one of the story. I felt the need to share this as a warning to people so that others can be aware of the dangers of Tinder and what can happen. To be continued.

 

 

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Birthday

It’s 5:52 AM on my birthday. The existential dread is sinking in…creeping in…

I am 29, which I know is not old. Logically I know this.

You know where I could probably find a husband? At some volunteer thing, or maybe a dance group, or travel group, or doing SOMETHING fun/interesting that I like doing. Maybe a Meetup group. How do people meet their husbands???

Anyway I guess my main focus instead could be on finishing school. Finding a job and a stable place to live with a roommate or roommates (hopefully nice ones but not overbearing ones like Lecia and Sophie were). After I get all that settled then I can focus on continuing to go to the gym and get healthier.

Then it should just happen, right?? That is the theory everyone tells you. Once you get your shit together and improve yourself, love will find you. Or more like I will get a good job, lose weight and finally I won’t be invisible to men maybe? Maybe.

I’m still sick. On my birthday. But at least this one is better than last year’s birthday…where I fucking got an infection from a monster off Tinder. Yeah that happened on my birthday last year. I was afraid it would ruin the rest of my birthdays for the rest of my life but really I don’t feel much about it. I am glad it’s been a year. Although it is kind of scary to think about how much I am still in pain a lot even a year later, but…I’m not in quite as much I guess? So there’s that.

Can’t wait to get today and tomorrow over with in terms of school. Fucking hate that I have to do a presentation. When I am sick. Day after my birthday, when my hip and ovaries and hurting. When I just broke up with my boyfriend and best friend since I have had since I was 17.

It all quite sucks right now and honestly…I just want to hang out with my friends, or curl up in bed and sob and go to sleep and then sleep for a whole day.

I am going to try my best not to let it ruin my birthday or my birthday weekend though. Ugh wish I had gotten more sleep.

 

Had Enough

Excited for tomorrow because it is my birthday…and I have decided as a birthday present to myself, to delete my Facebook once and for all.

To stop Mike from seeing my shit without having to block him. To stop my mom from seeing my shit without having to block her. To stop MYSELF from wasting hours looking at other people’s lives and getting depressed over it.

As sad as it is to be really done with Mike on my birthday of ALL DAYS…what better day really to put my foot down and decide to cut off people who don’t need to keep giving me only the minimum of themselves while they ask for more.

At the age of 29 I am not going to settle anymore, whether or not my reproductive organs are damaged and broken. I am not broken. I deserve love, and I am no longer sacrificing my time, my energy, my anything for some half-assed bullshit.

Done.

I have him blocked on my phone. Going to have Facebook deleted. I will be able to move on and start my life without him in it.

Maybe one day me and him can be some sort of friends. But definitely not now. Not for awhile, maybe years. Maybe not ever. Who know. I just know we cannot be friends now.

My last day in Seattle I was a ball of wrenching sobs. I video called him and he was so lackluster and just DULL that I just started crying. Couldn’t take his brick wall, totally uninterested attitude one more second. It’s so painful how little he cares about me and my life. How little he cares about being apart from me. The fact that he hasn’t changed one bit and he even said he is having his brother take care of his finances for him from now on. Wow. Such a massive disappointment. Such a child still, at almost 30 years old.

I have never met someone who can one day have so much life in him and humor and love and caring, and then a couple days later have the personality and life force of a dead cold fish. I understand mental illness, and I understand depression. 100% I do. But I also have no patience for people who don’t get help for themselves, and refuse to listen to advice and take action.

I have to let go. There is nothing I can do but let him drown there. I need to have a happy life, and I know I can have that without him, I just need to let go and build it. Without him pulling at my heart.

At least he is not my problem anymore. I might go back and read through my old posts from before I even moved here…to remind myself of just how shitty and infuriating it was to live with him and deal with his bullshit.

When I wake up alone in bed I feel sad…and I can still remember what it felt like when he would cuddle with me. The physical affection. It is truly such a human need, and it sucks to know I won’t have that maybe ever, or at the very least not for a really long time. But I can at least get an animal soon enough…once I am settled after I finish college. I will have a cat again and the love of a pet. I have my friends here who love me in their own way. I have my dad and sister. I will be okay.

Got most of my presentation done today….took literally the entire day basically. So many hours. It was tough but also a good distraction.

Update: I did indeed go back…and read a post that feels like I just wrote it yesterday, because he is THE SAME person. Only difference is, I don’t need to deal with it anymore, I have just been choosing to anyway. I wrote this quote:

“The feeling of such intense loneliness that you can really only feel when you are physically near someone who is ignoring your existence.”

Nothing has changed. He still mostly ignores my existence.

Except now guess what? I don’t have to pay all the rent for him…and the bills…and watch him lay around in MY APARTMENT THAT I PAY FOR and watch TV using utilities I paid for…and watch him eat all my food that I paid for and cooked. Yeah he might be ignoring me just as much as he did when we lived together, but at least I don’t have to see his fucking face as he ignores me and uses me.

That is something I needed to be reminded of. I was missing the good parts…but I forgot all the absolutely shitty parts. He said on NYE that he liked not living with me…well guess what DOUCHEBAG? I love not living with you. I love not being used by you and unappreciated. Love it.

I need to be thankful. Horrible things have happened, yes. But me moving here allowed me to open doors that I never could have before, and it allowed me to escape truly shitty situations.

Leaving the trash behind in my 29th year on earth.

Afterglow

You know when you get done with a vacation or a trip…and you feel that let down? That downswing of contemplating our aloneness and the present state of your human society.

I’m at the final night of podcon…and I’m already feeling this weird depression for several reasons:

  1. My plan to get my homework and presentation work done on this trip hasn’t happened because I’ve been spending the whole conference with my friend Mattie…which has been great, but also she wants to go get drinks and dinner afterwards (which again, normally would be GREAT) but in this particular instance, I’m sick and I have this scary fucking presentation I have to prepare for and homework and I can’t relax until it’s done.

Podcon

I made it to Seattle!

Good news is: I made it to Seattle on the train with my friends…it was a fun train ride…

Seattle is fucking BEAUTIFUL!!

I am not really any more sick than I was when I started feeling sick. Nose is still stuffy, but that’s about it. No strep throat thank god, no sore throat at all, just a head cold. Not too bad.

I got almost all my homework done except one lab and my presentation, and I have three nights to finish it.

I was able to get an Uber to my AirBnB and it was remarkably cheap – only $8.88 for a 25 minute ride!!!! It would have been like $26 or more in Portland. I was amazed and so relieved. I think it’s because it Seattle more people use the ride share option, which makes it cheaper because you are sharing the Uber with other people.

Oh, before all that even happened, I GOT MY OREGON DRIVER’S LICENSE!!!! Passed the test and got it today!!!!! I am so excited and relieved and happy to be officially an Oregonian. No more showing my NY license and having people comment on it. Not that it was bad being from NY but it felt like a lie…everyone was always so impressed when really, I don’t come from NYC, I come from the crappiest small town next to the crappiest, least well known small city. I kinda hate where I come from. I just want to belong here, with an Oregon ID and to have my new identity here. In a way getting an Oregon license with a new picture and everything is like a fresh start, a new identity. Who I wanted to become here. Leaving the young, inexperienced me behind. The new, life-battered but wiser me is here.

Finding the airbnb was a little tricky and scary…here I am in a new city I have never been to before in my life…ALONE…in the dark…in the steady rain…relying on technology (my phone and phone signal) to get me to this random house where I am going to take shelter for the weekend. It was scary. Doing it in Las Vegas at least I had Sophie even though she was not much help.

I ended up finding it though and the room is so beautiful and I have my own bathroom which is really nice. That was the one thing I really wanted, my own private bathroom. It’s important.

The shower is lovely, with a nice bath. I wanted to take a shower tonight kind of but it’s late and also I just straightened my hair today and I want it to last for tomorrow. Don’t feel like doing it again.

I ordered Thai food because I didn’t get food on the train and I am a terrible planner and didn’t even think to grocery shop and pack food to bring (like my friends did to save money). But also I kind of have an excuse because I am SICK and haven’t had the energy to do any such thing and I am alone in life, not like Sam who has a boyfriend to help her (Gordon, the guy I mentioned before who I went on a date with and felt nothing for really……….and then Sam came and swooped him up after me……yeah she acts really weird around me now and is kind of an annoying stone-cold bitch to be honest but ANYWAY.)

There is a grocery store apparently near the convention center. The friends I went with have gone to several conventions before……..many conventions in Seattle, so they have done this a lot. I felt kind of judged and……..like…….a baby when they asked if I had ever gone to a convention and I had to say, “No…….I’ve always heard of them…..and always wanted to…….but this is my first one.” it made me feel bad. That I was so sheltered and isolated from the world in my small town where nothing ever goes on. That I never had any friends or family that traveled really or went to things like conventions in other cities. I mean…..I even hesitated a lot when booking this trip……it was scary to me. These people do it all the time like it’s nothing. Probably also why they planned better when it comes to bringing food and stuff.

Also I feel like….I’m just not as much of a conventional “nerd” as some of these people are honestly. I’m just not. I love to read and I consider myself to be an intellectual, but I’m not that nerdy in terms of…..I don’t really care about fake fantasy worlds as much as some of them seem to. So a lot of conventions don’t really appeal to me.

Anyway whatever, I am excited for tomorrow. I am going to get up early and probably just take an Uber to Pike Place (since they are so cheap here apparently, fuck the bus which will take 3 times as long) and maybe get breakfast at The Crumpet Shop (I know, sounds like the perfect place for me, doesn’t it???) and meet up with Mattie. Then go to the convention, see all my favorite podcasts and possibly slip out discretely and come back here to do homework, or maybe socializing a little bit with some people and then coming back. At least I know it’s pretty painless money-wise. Not like I am spending $25 each way every day which was what I was afraid of. Taking the bus wouldn’t have been too bad but if the price is that cheap for Uber here, why bother with the hassle honestly.

Sunday I will be able to enjoy the whole convention too and not worry about checking out and stuff like the others. Leaving Monday was a good choice.

My ovary pain is still ongoing, but there is also bleeding so I know why at least. Not going to let it stop me from enjoying this city though and having a great experience.

Seattle Sickness

A lot of things going on at once.

1. My Seattle trip for Podcon is today (train leaves at 3…fuck)

2. I have a presentation to put together and do when I get back for school

3. My sharp ovary pain has returned after a really long time of it being gone

4. I’ve gotten sick as literally everyone in my classes is sick and there was no avoiding it

5. So now I’m sick, delerious, exhausted, I have a ton of complicated schoolwork to do and labs to finish…with sharp pain in my ovaries and groin…right before what was supposed to be a really fun trip to Seattle for the first time to see all my favorite podcasts live. Fuck this sucks.

Why does life do this?

Was supposed to come to Portland and have the college experience and finally get to see my brother more, and he dies.

Was supposed to earn my degree and be successful and happy, then I get an infection twice and PID that gives me painful scar tissue on my reproductive organs.

Was supposed to go to podcon, now I have to worry about doing a presentation when I get back and just hope I’m not still sick and in pain standing up there.

Fuck…life can you please give me a break??

I think I’m just extra depressed because sickness does that. Ideally I would be able to sleep and get better but I don’t have time for that. Really awful timing. I spent a good amount of money on this trip, I can’t just not go.

I really just want college to be over. I’m so sick of the stress. Most people just go to work and then come home, my days are work non-stop from the time I open my eyes to when I finally get to bed. Presentations in every fucking class this semester. I’m so sick of it.

My hair is coming out. Literally.

I keep tellngt myself, just finish school, get a good job…get that good health insurance and then you can get a laproscopy done and figure out your pain issue once and for all. Get an ovary out if need be, get rid of scar tissue maybe. There has to be other options. Something can be done.

Honestly my pelvic pain had been really almost non-existent for a couple weeks…I got my arm implant out finally which I had hoped would help…it certainly wasn’t doing anything to help me so why have it? It just made me bleed almost every day along with pain.

Now that I have the implant out I’m going to wait until my period returns and see what my baseline is at this point. If the sharp ovary pains only last a few days along with my regular period every month, I can deal with that. If it’s worse or way longer than a week, I’ll probably need to stay on the depo shot from now on. We’ll see.

I talked to another girl who said that after getting that infection she also has sharp ovary pains during her period, but other than that she feels okay. I’m hoping I’ve gotten to that point. It still sucks to have your period hurt worse than normal but…it’s far better than having pelvic pains every single day.

My body was feeling almost pretty much NORMAL for awhile, like it used to feel. Just normal. It gave me a lot of hope.

Now I’m just sick and the pain is back and I am so stressed and scared. Mike isn’t here to comfort me or to be there for me…we are talking again but what good is that? He has proven to me that he hasn’t really changed…at all. He is still that irresponsible, immature guy I left behind over a year ago. He is never going to try and find a job here. He is never going to step up and do what he should do. He is just going to complain about his life and job forever, until I stop listening to it I guess.

I want to get on Match.com or eHarmony…one of the sites where people actually want to get married. I want to at least try to meet someone else. Somehow. Once I graduate it will be easier, I’ll have more time to date. I will also be able to say “I have this degree and a great job” maybe that will help. Even though Mike isn’t so impressed with my accomplishments maybe someone will be. I can’t wait to meet them and have the partnership I always wanted.

I took two ibeprophen and it seems to have helped with the ovary pain mostly…thank God for that. If I can just keep it at bay with two asprin every two hours…I can get through this hell of a weekend. Just need to go to podcon, see my shows I wanted to see and paid to see, but unfortunately the socializing aspect is not going to happen for me this time. I’m going to have to go back to my Airbnb fairly early each night to get homework done and work on my presentation. While everyone else parties and socializes afterwards. Ugh. But there’s always next year, when I will be done with school. Plenty of time for all that after I finish school. I keep trying to remind myself. Also I’m sick anyway, so socializing would be out of the question regardless.

Shitty series of unfortunate events. That’s life. My life at least. All I can do is push on…

The Terrifying Act of Letting Go

Well. Great. Mike flat out asked me – after not really talking to me yesterday or at all today – why I wasn’t wanting to talk to him as much.

I was really hoping that he wouldn’t have noticed. Normally when I got home I would have immediately called him or video chatted. I am not doing that anymore. I am leaving it to him to want to talk, not putting in the effort anymore.

He flat out asked why I wasn’t talking to him. Ugh. Was hoping not to have an emotional ending or blowout. Was hoping that I could just ignore this problem in my life right now without having to rip my heart open and show him how much it is bleeding and why I have to just step away. I guess I don’t have to.

I have this urge to just send him all the pictures I have of the two of us, from high school and from recently. To just show him………………………..look at these great memories you are throwing away by being a fucking idiot. Look at all this we built for you to just give me up. It hurts so bad but what hurts is realizing this person I spent so much time with, my really only long term and loving relationship was with someone who at the end of the day, wouldn’t even defend me to people when they talked shit to me. Wouldn’t even try all that hard. Would leave me paying the rent and all the bills several times.

Who can’t handle criticism.

I could list a huge list of things I fucking hate about this man, but yet he is still my friend and has been my best friend and the only man to ever accept me. It hurts so bad, I am going to lose my best friend…again. He’s going to talk to Eric again and all those people that came between us. He’s going to think of me as the villain, for the rest of our lives.

I don’t want to lose my best friend. This sucks so badly I can’t stand it.

But I have to. I have to do this alone. Completely now. There is no point trying to convince myself of some dream that is not going to happen. That’s it.

I want to go see my dad. I miss him so much, I need him. I need my sister.

Part of me just feels so hopeless, that I built up my whole life and for what? What was it all for? Me I know but so what??????

 

Back Home

Got back from Vegas today…woke up at 4 AM to catch our flight back to Portland. Slept on the plane which was nice, only had turbulence wake me up once but mostly was able to sleep the entire hour and 45 minutes on the plane and woke up in Portland.

Immediately after getting back and leaving Sophie to go to her apartment, and getting back to my dorm I just felt overwhelming sadness. Every time I come back to Portland from somewhere else I feel sad because I have no one here to go home to, or to greet me…it doesn’t feel like “coming home”…it feels like coming back to a place where I got permanently damaged by someone and I have awful memories and I have to stay in because I made this decision and now I don’t have a life anywhere else.

I could go back to upstate NY sure, but who do I have there? My dad and sister…that’s it? What else do I have there.

Here is where I thought maybe I would build a life…but now Mike is not going to build a life with me now, he either never even planned on it…or just recently has decided he does not want to.

Ever since we talked on New Year’s Eve about it…I have been easing myself away from him. Didn’t answer his calls at all while I was in Las Vegas, I answered messages and sent him pictures but I have been making it a point to not send messages unless he actually answers or says something. If he says nothing, I am not going to keep trying to talk to him. I actually hope he just stops talking to me at this point so I don’t have to go through the painful reality of telling him I just want to move on because he is obviously either talking to someone else…wants to talk to other girls…or just isn’t serious about being with me.

WHICH BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND.

That this fucking dude with a shitty ass job paying $13 a fucking hour doing manual labor, who has nothing but dirty stained clothes and reeks of fucking cat piss and whose dental hygiene is so awful, who hasn’t seen a doctor in……um idk ever……who does the bare minimum to survive, lives on raviolis now without me cooking him meals every night……..THIS DUDE isn’t jumping at the chance to be with a woman he has known his whole life, who despite going through a terrible tragedy he couldn’t even image, has accomplished so much, has earned her Associate’s Degree and is two semesters away from earning a Bachelor’s Degree in science…who is going to be a scientist working either a government job or consulting job making more money than either of us ever dreamed of…….I’m going to have an education and an actual fucking career. I am planning on getting my Master’s Degree also when I can.

Yeah I might be overweight, and yeah I do have a broken body but WOW I am more accomplished and intelligent and hard-working than any woman he is ever going to be able to find. It blows my mind how flippant he is. He just really doesn’t care…that’s the sad part. Him saying, “Money isn’t everything.” just shows me……wow. He wouldn’t care even if I made $100,000 a year and was able to buy a nice house and a car that didn’t break down every other week…he wouldn’t care if I got my Master’s Degree. It would not make me the least bit more attractive in his view.

Because all he needs apparently in life, is a woman who lets him do whatever he wants without complain, a woman who is satisfied sitting on the couch or in bed all day watching shitty TV shows, canned food, his cat, dirty clothes, and his freedom which he values over having a family without an accomplished woman who would be an equal partner.

I could become president and it still wouldn’t impress this fucking idiot.

It’s so disappointing and infuriating honestly. But you know what, I am glad he said what he said. I am glad he stopped getting my hopes up. Now I can just move the fuck on. He still isn’t ready? To be with someone like me after all I have done to try and make my life better and include him? He can rot where he is then.

I’m done being with someone who is never going to grow up or “be ready” for the life I want. He will never want the life I want, he would be an embarrassment to me anyway. The fact that he isn’t jumping at the chance is just so baffling, it just hurts my ego really. Everyone around me tells me that I can do better, that they respect my choices but that he will never be on my level and I could find someone who would actually value the things I value, who I could actually have a conversation with, not just joke with and listen to him complain.

I am done being disappointed. Done being with someone who won’t ever initiate sex unless we haven’t seen each other in six months, or unless I go down on him first. Yeah fuck that. Some other girl can bend over backwards for this fuckhead. Good luck to her. She will also have to deal with him still being fucking married. Being incapable of doing anything for himself, always needing to rely on other people.

I had thought he had changed. He didn’t change. At all. If anything I feel like he is even worse now. He feels like he is a big shot with his work van and his apartment with his cousin, he is content to just do nothing ever.

This was supposed to be a post about Las Vegas and it’s just become another ranting post about Mike but I really feel like I need to get this all out.

I have such a bad headache and it feels like I have a fever. Travelling has really worn me out. Stress and travelling and crying.

Downloaded calorie counter in order to lose weight…to get to my goal I can only eat 1,200 calories a day and it’s actually really difficult. All I ate was ramen and a can of soup and I only have 600 calories left I can eat for today. Ugh. This might be tough but maybe it will help me stop binge eating and I can get healthier. I am sick of being obese and feeling invisible to people and ugly and unwanted. I thought Mike accepted me for who I am but did he really? Would he rather be with someone thinner? Yeah I guarantee it. If I wasn’t so fat…….UGH.

I might not have that much time to workout but I am planning on basically living on protein shakes for meals anyway because my school schedule is going to be AWFUL this term – no time for breakfast or lunch anyway. It could save me money too if I eat less.

My pelvic pain has been off and on. It got bad at certain points during my trip, but I got through it. It’s not so bad right now. I am looking forward to getting this stupid fucking implant out and seeing if that helps anything. I got it put in literally two months after the infection so I haven’t been able to see what it would be like without it…I at least think it’s causing me to bleed almost every day. Need to get it out of me and see if anything gets better or worse or what.

I can still get the surgery. There is hope. I don’t have to panic.

I am so fucking sad about Mike, about my brother being gone, about being in this fucking city filled with nothing but homeless people and men who look like they might as well be homeless or men who are diseased and fuck 100’s of women and ruin your life and body.

Just fed up.

Ready to start school back up so I can at least be busy and have my mind occupied. I have a feeling Karen is going to be fucking ANNOYING since she already texted me today asking what I’m doing…when I literally just landed and obviously don’t want to socialize. She is being smothering already.

But here I am trying to keep friends, not lose them…because what else do I have? Kelley the bitch even texted me about watching the new season of the bachelor. She is a bitch but I will probably end up watching the show with her anyway to avoid being alone. I want to make time for Karen too and go to the gym with her but she likes to basically kidnap me in her car all fucking day on Saturdays, taking up all my time and then dropping me off at the bus stop where it will take me an hour to get home…

She is going to probably try pressuring me into hanging out since she has no one else to hang out with…..and she doesn’t seem to understand the concept that I am in COLLEGE and have lots of homework to do on weekends, and also I have other friends I would like to spend time with too.

Just need to put down my boundaries and tell her, “No, I have homework to do, I really don’t have time. I am just going to workout at my school gym. Can’t be going all the way out there to your area when I have shit to do!!!!!!”

Okay. I wanted to write about my trip…but I am really tired and feel sick and kind of out of my mind. Going to take a bath and read and try to relax a bit. Maybe will take a walk and then write another post, or write about my trip tomorrow. This fever feeling is worrying me.

Random thoughts

Random thoughts I don’t really know how to organize in a coherent blog post but I feel like I need to get out…time for another bullet point blog post:

  • When I was visiting Christy and her family for the holidays it really was like a window into what it is like to be a person who has an IMMENSE amount of disposable income. We went to different cute little stores in Palm Springs and they all bought different, overpriced, little trinkets and wall decorations (something I would never, ever do because I don’t ever have extra money for stuff that in my opinion is absolutely unnecessary…also maybe I am just the type of person who doesn’t see decorative things in a store and thinks, “Oooo this would be so cute in my house” I kind of…don’t care for material things. If something doesn’t have an actual USE and is just for looks, I don’t like spending money on it. But is that just because I have never had tons of extra money to spend?
  • Again when we got back to her house I was amazed by the amount of money she is able to spend. She went and got herself a new F-150 just because she wanted one, no second thought. Her house is FILLED with stuff I would never even think to buy. She did say a lot of her stuff was from being gifted them but still…she has like a pantry FILLED with food…like stuffed with food…I have never in my life owned that much food, I can only really afford a certain amount at a time. A lot of it she will probably never really eat. She had like a pile of table runners, cabinets full of stuff that I would never buy for myself, a china cabinet filled with entertaining stuff.
  • I guess I grew up with my father being a minimalist and almost an anti-hoarder and also being really stingy with money so I can’t imagine just flippantly buying “stuff”. But also being around her family made me wonder…is this what it is like to have a great paying job? I mean she and her sister are both in very high positions in their field of work…I don’t know if I will ever get to that level but if I am going to be single and alone, hey – I have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to focus on my career and getting my master’s degree and climbing as high as I possibly can, reaching for the stars. Money isn’t everything…but it can sure make your life a lot less stressful and your safety and comfort not dependent on another person.
  • It made me think I just can’t wait to have my Bachelor’s Degree, get a job…and start building my fucking life and getting paid more than the shit amount I am used to getting paid for the entirety of my adult life so far.
  • Spent New Year’s Even with my friend Mattie and I was just glad to not be spending it alone and sad…drinking cider alone in my dorm. She wasn’t really doing anything except sitting alone in her apartment also. I feel really glad that I met her the summer before last summer, when I first moved here, at a meetup that was so much fun. She is so funny, and really nice. She has annoying quirks, just like everyone I have ever met but I am trying the best I can to not stop being friends with people just because of annoying quirks!!!
  • She has this way of…being really overly vocal on things she doesn’t like and it feels awkward. Example: We were watching Youtube videos pretty much all night, which was fine, and I said, “Oh do you like the CinemaSins videos?” they are videos I find hilarious and love. She went into…a very long diatribe about how she HATES those videos. “I absolutely hate cinemasins, they always pick out really stupid things from movies and say they are bad…but they’re wrong about a lot and it’s stupid, blah blah.” Stuff like that where I don’t know how to respond because she is telling me how much she hates something I really like and find funny. She is taking it too seriously…and she also complains about people a lot, seems to hate Portland and seems to be kind of unhappy in general sometimes, instead of finding things to enjoy. She’s like the opposite of Karen who is overly happy and almost TOO cheery and fake-positive all the time. She seems a little too hipster-ish in her judgement and overly…negative I guess? But I am too so I have to fight my impulse to dive into the negativity with her and try to pull us back into happy subjects. Also there is the problem of her apartment reeking of cats…I mean, the ammonia was so bad honestly I had a hard time breathing. It wasn’t necessarily like cat poop smell, it was just straight up strong ammonia smell from the piss. I felt like my hair smelled like it when I left. I don’t think I can live with her and her two cats if it’s going to be like that.
  • Mike smelled like that when he visited, which leads me to believe he never really cleans the litter box in his apartment either…him and his clothes smelled like that. It was gross. He even said, “She will be fine.” when I asked who would be cleaning the litter box while he was gone. Wow dude……it’s not about your cat being fine…..it’s about having a box filled with piss and shit sitting in your home stinking the place up….dumbass.
  • I love cats so much, and I want one again someday…but I also really hate when people don’t put in the necessary extra cleaning when they have an animal. Having a pet means extra cleaning so it doesn’t smell bad. I would also just prefer to have a pet if I had a yard to let them outside. Having an outdoor cat is infinitely better for that reason (I know people disagree with it but…oh well. I believe a cat is happier being able to go outside and explore and get exercise and also helps the house not smell like litter box).
  • Overall though BESIDES THAT I had a fun time with Mattie, drank a few ciders and some champagne. Didn’t get drunk so no hangover or feeling shitty 🙂 my drunk days are really over. We watched some really funny Youtube videos (honestly surprised that we were able to spend so many hours just watching youtube videos…wow we are millenials).
  • She is actually almost my age, kind of like Karen, only a couple of years older so we can relate a lot…we talk about 90’s references that other people in our friend groups don’t understand.
  • I texted Christy last night and said, “Maybe I should just apply to the HDR office in Lexington, Kentucky?” wanting to get her opinion on if I should just try to get a job there in order to be with Mike? She texted back, “NO!” which honestly is the response I wanted to hear. Validation that I shouldn’t have to do that, and that honestly if I did that…even if I did get a job there that paid a decent amount…Mike would still be getting paid shit…would still be COMPLAINING about his job every single day to me without doing anything to change it. I would have none of my friends I have made, I would be alone there with just Mike and his shitty family. I would be so unhappy. In Portland, I have friends who actually make plans with me. I say I want to go camping or hiking and they say, “Sounds great, let me find a place!” and we plan it. I love that I have people around me who are good at planning and like to actually put my ideas into motion.
  • I should be packing for my trip to Las Vegas with Sophie but I am avoiding packing. I don’t really feel like going on this trip…but it’s all paid for and planned, I need to go. It will be exhausting spending so much time with Sophie again…but at the same time, maybe this is the distraction I need right now? I literally left Mattie’s house this morning and immediately started like SOBBING when I got outside, and when I got into my dorm I was loudly sobbing. Trying to decide if I should break up with Mike over video chat…then going over in my head how painful that would be. How he would immediately start talking to Eric again probably and wanting to be friends again with him…how Eric would most likely tell Mike how me and him had been talking after I moved, how we had sex before I moved. He might even tell Mike that I gave him an STI which would be a lie…but Mike would probably believe it. Mike would then know that’s the reason for my chronic pelvic pain, and feel I deserve it. He might even internally feel happy that I got what I deserved for fucking Eric once again when we separated. But that’s not what I deserved. At all.
  • He might start talking to his wife again, who he still hasn’t divorced. They might get back together. Or he might just meet someone else online. I’d have to eventually see it or hear about it probably.
  • All this would be extremely emotionally painful.
  • It would ruin my Las Vegas trip.
  • I decided that I am not going to break up with him, even though I know that is the coward’s way of doing things. I can’t for my mental health. I can avoid talking to him as much as possible, and if he asks I can then tell him that I think we should just be friends and stop saying I love you so that I can move on with my life and not be expecting to build a life with him. That conversation can happen after I get back from my trip so as not to ruin it.
  • He is probably going to make me feel awful and bad for breaking up…when in all actuality it was him who decided not to be with me when he refused to move here, and continues to act like he doesn’t want to be serious. But he will still try to guilt trip me and act like he spent so much money and time on me (yeah I did too).
  • I have been avoiding letting him go in this way…avoiding the pain I will feel when I cut the cord and we both start looking for other people or dating other people. I have been feeling hopeless about dating considering what happened to me.
  • But I have to let go. Any girl he is with…will smell the same lack of hygiene on him, will have to deal with him still not being a full adult at almost 30 years old. Good luck to them. They will have to deal with everything I ignored or put up with because he was my best friend. All the annoying fucking hurtful things he does. The constant complaining about his life that he will not change. The lack of ambition, the lack of drive.
  • This Las Vegas trip will be a really great distraction and fun experience…it will keep my mind off it hopefully.
  • If I really want to for my mental health, I can get on Match.com and/or Eharmony and try meeting someone who ACTUALLY wants to build a relationship and do fun things and be serious. I will NOT be having sex with anyone. Anytime soon. But I can at least put myself out there…maybe have a nice date or two. See what is out there again. Distract myself at the very least.
  • While Christy was crying and missing my brother the other night, she was also looking at guys on Match.com and other sites so…..I don’t feel so bad. If she can do it so can I.
  • I might be too busy to really date a lot but I can at least get the ball rolling…the membership would be for a year so who knows. I could make sure this time to not waste time on guys who OBVIOUSLY do not want something serious. The fuckboys who say in their profile, “Just got out of something long term……looking for something fun but….not serious right now, not saying I don’t want something serious one day but…..” like yeah sure dude. You want to have sex but not have to put in effort like you did in your last relationship. Fuck off, go on Tinder, get some diseases.
  • I will have to put in my profile, “Looking for something serious, not years down the line, but now.”
  • I am still pissed off that Mike tried to say the other day that he just “wasn’t ready” and that he has six months to decide if he is ready or not (because I will be graduating in that time)…like…no dude. If you weren’t ready when I moved a year and a half ago…and you still aren’t ready after three visits and almost two year of living apart…fuck off. You aren’t going to be ready. Ever. If I were to move there to be with him and get a job there, it wouldn’t be any better. Our lives could have been great here, but I can’t make someone see the dream I see or believe in it. I can’t make someone want the life I want. All I can do is make that life for myself.
  • I loved being with Mike because he accepted me for who I am. Damaged body and all. Fat and all. Weirdness and all. But that isn’t enough. Someone else out there surely will accept me too? If they don’t, I know my group of friends will accept me. Other people in my life will accept me. My future furbabies will accept me. Isn’t that enough?
  • I know as soon as I tell Lecia and Karen about Mike backtracking on everything he said while he was here (they are the two who met him) they will be full of, “Oh thank fucking god…you can do better” because that is what my family has said. It’s true. I’ve had enough of him treating me like he is doing me a favor with his, “Well maybe if you did this or that…I would want to move there.” and listing all the reasons why he is scared to live with me again or doesn’t want to, basically listing a whole bunch of stuff I did in the past, getting mad at him for stuff (like talking to other girls, wow how awful of ME) and him neglecting me, or me “judging” him when really it’s me trying to help him and undo the damage his family has done teaching him bad habits.
  • Honestly the things he said the other night were so eye-opening and hurtful. He resents me for the decades-worth of shit I apparently did wrong, and all the ways in which I was a bad person or shitty girlfriend. He still resents me for secretly. He still hates me for those things and is scared I will be like that again. The truth is, I will probably continue to be the person he hates, because he will always do things I don’t agree with. I will always get mad at him for not wanting to do the things I want to do in life. So…….if he hates that about me and it won’t change…….and I hate things about him that won’t ever change…..there we are.
  • It hurts me so badly inside to be losing my best friend though, and that is what makes this so painful and hard and shitty. I almost made it to graduation with him but my dreams are crushed. My vision of the future is crushed. I might be losing my best friend…again after all these years. I will lose my best friend. I will have to face my grief and physical pain and fears alone.
  • How can we continue being best friends after this? I don’t know if it will be possible. We could still have visits I guess, like regular friends visiting sometimes. But no sex? That will be weird. Would it just complicate things trying to stay friends? Constantly remind me of how great we are together in some ways and if only he would stop fighting me over every little step. He is like a horse that I am dragging kicking and screaming to water even though he complains of thirst.
  • I need to just stop thinking about it for awhile. Get my trip over with, get back into school, concentrate on what I need to do. Focus on my life. Get through every day. Just get through each day. Not focus on the past, or what the future will be, just today.

Fuckboys II

Well. A lot has happened I guess?

The holidays for one.

It’s almost a full fucking year since the incident that changed my fucking life forever. The douchebag from Tinder giving me an infection that ruined my health and damaged my body causing me chronic pain.

Almost a year, wow.

Is the pain any better? I guess I would have to say yes, somewhat? I have good days and bad days. I guess overall things are not as bad, but I still have scar tissue causing me overall pain. I think my implant is making things worse, making me bleed and have pain for weeks at a time.

Anyway. Mike visited me in Portland, finally after a year and a half. How has it been a year and a half since me and him lived together? Honestly almost two full years since we lived together. It seems crazy to me.

I have earned my Associate’s Degree, I am about to earn my Bachelor’s Degree this summer. I will be able to get a good government position or even a consulting position in the Environmental field, and still write in my spare time.

I have accomplished so much and also dealt with such tragedy.

While Mike has been there for me, he also hasn’t really. He didn’t come here with me, wasn’t serious enough about our relationship for that. He wasn’t there for me on Christmas and in fact didn’t talk to me for pretty much the entire day because he was busy with his family. He goes through periods of only talking to me a lot when he is alone and bored but ignoring me when he is around other people. He was just the only person there when I was going through the worst period of my life.

Earlier today we had an hour-long talk that really brought reality to light and has made me realize, this dream of mine is not going to happen and I really need to focus on finding someone else instead of wasting all this time. I realize that I hadn’t even really been serious about finding someone when I moved here. I went on OKcupid and went on a couple shitty dates and went on Tinder and got the infection, that was it. I didn’t go on serious sites and I didn’t try that hard, because I had been hoping Mike would eventually see the light, see my WORTH and want to be with me.

I thought buying him expensive gifts was going to make him want to be with me. I thought showing him my success would convince him.

Nope.

Guys like him don’t care. You could be Beyonce and they don’t care. You could be a millionaire and they would still not care and in fact resent you for your success and cheat on you anyway. Guys like that will always be unsatisfied, with everything and everyone. That’s it.

I learned my lesson too late, before I allowed two guys such as this to infect me and destroy my body. But I am able to stop wasting time. That is what I need to do.

I have physical pain, that I have to accept along with mental pain.

Dating scares me because it’s going to take time to get to know someone as well as I know Mike and to get someone to accept me like Mike accepts me. But I could try to lose weight, I could try to keep being the best I can be.

It scares me that even Christy is having a tough time dating, my late brother’s wife. She is thin, goes for runs, is blonde and cute, has her Master’s Degree, and has a super important and high paying job in the government, and was fucking accepted into the FUCKING FBI AND SECRET SERVICE but had to turn it down because my brother was dying and her dad got diagnosed with cancer and she couldn’t do it (which fucking sucks she had to give that opportunity up). I mean……if someone as accomplished as her can’t seem to find a man, what fucking hope do I have?? Really?

Our society just sucks.

No one wants a relationship. People just want sex. That’s it. No one wants to sacrifice anything for anyone else. Or put in effort. Or get outside their comfort zone.

People are selfish and picky and always thinking they can do better.

Mike telling me tonight that he has been “enjoying his freedom”

Cut It Off

I got my hair chopped off.

Went from being long enough to reach the middle of my back, and long enough to touch the top of my butt when wet and when I tipped my head back, to getting it chopped off to shoulder length, right at my shoulders it stops, and is bouncy and curly again. My curls had been ruined by the weight of my hair, it had turned to just poofy, frizzy mass. When the hairdresser said, “Well, let’s just get some length off it first off.” and went ahead and chopped off about 5 or 6 inches…a whole ponytail’s worth…it was incredibly invigorating and freeing. I was so happy to be free of it. He then cut more off, angling it towards my face, making it shorter in the back, longer in the front, and then put product in it and crimped up my natural curls after washing it in conditioner. It looked so fucking cute, I have never felt so confident or good looking in my life. Finally I could wear my hair down without feeling like a homey looking old frumpy lady with the kind of hair you can only braid because it looks awful and frizzy and wavy.

It is now shoulder length, not too poofy because he took bulk out of it, thinned it a bit, let my natural curls come out so it looks curly and cute. Just looks so much better. So much easier to manage and take care of and do something with.

I then went to a holiday party with my friend Mattie, to her co-workers’ house. Met a bunch of people who work for Nike. Most married. How?? Who fucking knows.

Was so much fun debuting my new hair, I felt so confident.

Met some nice people, played some really fun games. She drove me home and mentioned that she didn’t know when I would be looking for a place to live after graduating but she would be looking for a roommate also in the Spring…and she was just throwing it out there that she would be willing to find a house to rent with me or something and be roommates if I was cool with that.

So now I have her and Karen both contemplating being roommates with me, I have those options. I won’t have to find strangers to live with. I don’t want to live by myself really. I can’t really be sure Mike will do what he needs to do or make the big move without me helping a lot and I don’t know if I want to do that. If he puts in the effort, and finds a job or apprenticeship then that’s something to think about. But it’s nice to know that I am not relying on him or his decisions. I am not going to be leaving my fate in his hands.

I have two very nice women who I could have as roommates, one or the other, options. I will not be left hanging. It’s all down to me putting myself out there and making friends too. I made these friends, I got these opportunities. It feels good, regardless of the shitty mistakes I have also made. I will not have to be alone, no matter what Mike does or does not do. I won’t be alone, I have found my people here. They have my back. I will have someone to live with regardless. Good people. Cute kitty cats (Mattie has two cats). I am not going to make decisions based on Mike. He can figure it out.

I would rather live with a female friend who I can rely on, than someone who will expect me to figure everything out. Who will see it as him doing me a favor (hahahaha). Yeah right. I have relied on myself this whole time of my life. No one else lifted a finger to help me. I will be damned if I fuck up chances of happiness for someone who can’t go the extra mile.

Anyway, it feels good to have built my life here. Yeah fucked up shit happened, I have to live with that every day. But there are times without pain…and happy times…and I have to cling to those and cling to hope.

Maybe drank a tad too much at this holiday party…the host kept offering drinks, so nice of him. Nicest people I have ever met. So kind to me, a perfect stranger. I need some sleep and then tomorrow Mattie might go with me to see Aquaman 😀 Yay!!